Elle and {The Dreaded Friend} Match

Yep. Yep. Yeppers.
This day was bound to come. The day when I discovered Seattle isn't such a big city after all.
Here I am in eHarmony heaven. Minding my own beeswax. Meeting some hotties. Meeting some...creepers. But hey, this is what dating is all about! So far it's been easy to keep my 'real' world separate from my "Elle" world.
My friends, the real world and Elle's world officially collided on March 13, 2011. Luckily, I was drunk.

Booze is necessary when two worlds collide.

For those of you familiar with eHarmony online, you know that when you are on your match page, you see the persons name and age but no picture. Like so:

eHarmony FAIL. Show us a thumbnail photo please!

This poses a problem. Why? Because you can't do a quick scan of the photo before opening them. Why is this important? Because when you open their profile, they can see that you viewed them. Are you catching what I'm throwing? Good.
Luckily, eHarmony joined the 21st century and has an iPhone app! Hello! Dating on the go! On the iPhone app you CAN see a small thumbnail photo of the people you are matched with. Luckily, I'm a tech savvy gal and use the iPhone app.
Anyways. As we previously discussed, every morning I wake up to an email with my matches signed, sealed, delivered just for me. I log in, judge and date. WELL. Luckily, on the day of The {Dreaded Friend} match I ran in the St. Patty's Day match. Which means I had to wake up early. Which means I didn't do my dating first thing in the AM.
Which means that after the race and the boozing, when I finally got around to checking my matches for the day on my phone, I was in a much better place to accept being matched with this {'Friend'}. Let me be clear when I say {'Friend'}, I mean {The X-BF}'s good friend. {FUCK}.
Yep. You read that right. I could just picture the two of them giggling like school girls over my profile. Oh wait. That's what I would do. Not what guys would do. Right? Right?!
After I sobered up, I had a minor freak out. I mean, this was my worst fucking nightmare. Not only the fact that he is {The X-BF's} good friend, BUT. BIG BUT. This guys is HOPELESS. He is the Northwest Profile #56. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

Some girls dig this. I don't.

Elle is not the type to date {Sandals and Socks Guy}. So not only am I mortified that I've been matched with {The X-BF}'s good friend, BUT out off all of his friends they match me with him. What the fuck?! eHarmony {FAIL}.
Anyway. I decided to take the power away from {Sandals and Socks Guy}. I look at his profile for one flat second. And close him.
Three days later, I cancel my eHarmony account. Don't worry, it's good until April 18. And then I'll be on okCupid full time!
How could eHarmony fix this? It's simple in my opinion. Let us users select names of people that we never want to be matched with. I mean come on!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Creeper}

It was bound to happen.

So far my online dating experience has been pleasant. I'd say I've been pretty lucky. Plenty of {geeks}, which I like and no {creeps}.

Weeeeeelllll. We all knew that wasn't going to last forever right?

Once again, I make it through the guided communication with another potential match. We email back and forth once or twice and he asks for my number. He seems normal. He seems nice. I think to myself, why not? I give him my digits and he sends me a text.

Side note: One of my {BIGGEST} pet peeves is shortening words in text messages or in online communication. I don't know why. But it {bothers} me. Big time. If you do this and you are my friend or family member, it's okay. I still love you. But if you are trying to woo me or get me into bed, don't be lazy. If you're too lazy to type out the word "you", I don't want to think about how lazy you are when it comes to other things in your life.

Don't be a cnt. You are better then that.

So he says, "hi, how r u?" And I think to myself, 'Elle, stop the judging. Answer back. Maybe he doesn't have a smart phone.'

Then I think to myself, 'But Elle, do you really want to date some loser who hasn't yet joined the 21st century and bought a smart phone?'

Anyway, I decide to look past his text speak and say something witty I'm sure. He says something else. I respond.

Then he asks me what size my bed is. Wait. What? How did we get from 'how r u', to what size is your bed? Did I miss something here? No, dear readers. I did not. Next question? 'Can I tuck you in?'

Is he trying to start up some kinky phone sex with me? Does he think this is hot? Time to stop texting with {The Creeper}.

But wait. Will he get the hint? Nope. Every day since then, he has texted me "hi, how was ur day?" So. I did what any online dater would do, and I closed him online. His response? 'hi elle, it's {The Creeper}, how r u?"

Ugh. Today is the first day I haven't heard from him. Trust me, I firmly believe that you should tell someone when you are not interested in them. But - he made me feel dirty. I even deleted the thread of messages. And before you call me a {prude} AND {rude} (which I am), it's not that he went to far. I just didn't like the direction he was going...after two text messages.

Elle's Self Potrait

Best of luck to {The Creeper}. There's gotta be a lady out there for him somewhere. I mean there's someone out there for everyone right?

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {OkCupid}

Y'all. I've been slacking on the blog posting. You would too. This online dating thing can be exhausting. 

Recap. Talked to my friend {The Professor}. Heard his hilarious story about online dating. Told all of you. Signed up for okcupid myself annnnnnddddd...

I'm talking to some guys. Managing two online dating accounts is tough! Things weren't looking too hot on okcupid for a while.

One of the first guys that emailed me was wearing thick. black. eyeliner. And had long black hair. He had this whole email crafted about who he is and what he does. His pictures looked eerie - like hey, I'm a Satan Worshiper. Or a vampire. But not in an {Edward Cullen} kind of way.

He goes on and on and finishes by saying that he thinks we would be a perfect match. If you're not familiar with okcupid, the website gives you percentages of your likelihood of being a match.

Ours was 3%.

Honestly. 

Another guy winked at me. He said, "I like your cloak." I'm simply wearing a jacket in my photo. Not a cloak. He appears to be wearing a cloak in one of his photos. No thanks. While I'd never turn down the opportunity to attend {Hogwarts}, I know in my heart of hearts that it's not a real place. And I'm not interested in dating someone who might think it is.

I'm not throwing in the towel yet!

Happy Virtual Dating!
Elle

Elle and {The Professor}

So I'm talking to my friend this weekend - we'll call him {The Professor}. He's one of my older and wiser friends. I tell him I signed up for online dating - and it turns out he did too.

On Friday I met up with another friend, we'll call her {The Towel Bar}, and she asked me why on earth I was paying for online dating when I could try www.okCupid.com. It got me thinking. So I decide to give it a whirl.


Back to {The Professor}. He's been living in Pawnee, IN for the past two years. Population seven. So he gave oKCupid a try to see if he could meet one of the two hotties living in his town.

Side note: I find out his user name on the cupid and give him mine. We are 80% compatible. 56% friend. 10% enemy. Wait. What? Next time we are in the same state, we'll most likely hook up, just to ruin our friendship! We are so compatible! Who knew! I kid. I kid.

So anyways, I ask him how online dating is treating him and tell him about the freaks and keepers I've met so far. And then he tells me this story.

He met this one girl online. She looks cute. Seems nice. He decides to meet up with her. She shows up. And she's the size of a house. He thinks to himself. WTF? There's nothing wrong with being a little porky - he lives in the Midwest after all. But that's just false advertising. Right?

Did I mention {The Professor's} body type is skinny? Like a stick. And since I've known him, there has {ALWAYS} been a large girl going after his heart {trying to fatten him up I assume}.

So he gets to thinking about his luck with the ladies. He's thinking to himself, why do all the heavies try to snatch me up? And he comes to this conclusion. He says to me, "Elle, this one time I was at church camp and a heavy girl and I got sinful. This must be why God is punishing me."

I fell off my bed I was laughing so hard. One other thing you should know about {The Professor} is that there ain't no God in his world. So the fact that he came to this conclusion is huge {like a house}.

To be clear, he's not against a heavy. Heck, he'd even love one, if there was a spark. But so far. No spark.
It took some convincing from him, that I wasn't one of those gals that showed up looking like a house compared to my photos. I don't want to be one of those false advertisers!

We found each other on OkCupid and dissected each others profiles. We rated each other five stars and gave each other {an award}. We discovered we live 2007 miles apart. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to hook up. {He hasn't answered yet. Rude!} And I continued laughing hysterically over his story.  

mmm. Maybe he should give her a chance?

The moral of this story? Online dating is hilarious.

Oh and don't get sinful at church camp, unless it's with a hottie.

Lastly, post a realistic, current photo of you. You don't want to be the subject of a story like this!!

PS {The Professor} is still single and quite the catch I might add, if you're looking!

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dentist} Part II

Okay. So last time we left off, I was telling you about {The Dentist}. We decided to meet up on Thursday. Since he lives in Seattle...and works in Tacoma, we met at 8pm at Spur Gastropub. Uh oh. I sense a pattern here. This is where I've dragged two out of three dates. Here's what I decided. I'll soon become a regular here. And when I arrive with some freak, the bartender can rescue me. Problem solved. But anyway, back to my date.
He's late. Do we have to go through this again? This time I made sure my phone was NOT on silent. I'm sweating in my chair...so I do something very un-Elle like and crack open a bottle of wine. Yep. You heard me right. I start throwing back glasses of wine like my life depends on it. Before I know it, I'm halfway through the bottle and I tell myself to chill out.
I frantically text my friend Stacy who says, "OMG settle down, where are you going? It's not a big deal, if he doesn't like you, fuck him." Oh, thank God for Stacy.
Anyhoo, I get a text saying he is looking for parking. Last Saturday he was really concerned about parking too. I can't hold this against him though. I don't have a car to park...
I turn the lights off in my apartment and see this guy frantically weaving down the sidewalk. It's him, he's here. And I'm tipsy. Shit.
I grab a glass of water and chug. I pop a piece of gum in my mouth and triple check that I turned my straighter off {OCD?} and then head down stairs.
The moment we have all been waiting for. We meet.
He's kind of cute. I'm not falling over myself. He's got that male baldness thing going on, but not in a horrible way. His hair is salt and pepper {hot} and holy shit he says hello. Using my name. And he hugs me. His accent is {hot}. Like seriously. It's freezing out so we decide to book it straight to Spur.
He orders a cocktail and I decide to stick with red wine. He tells me the wine smells delicious. I tell him he smells delicious. Wait. Did I? Who knows? He did though!
We had a great conversation. He's the most interesting person that I've ever met. Ever. I do very little talking but do a lot of asking questions. He's very sweet and his story is incredible. Plus, he works with kids. I mean, how adorable is that.
We shut the place down. He insists on paying. He walks me back to my place. He hugs me again. I stiffen up and run inside.
Okay. So now I know where my area of weakness is. Pretty sure I sent him a strong signal of I need to get the hell outta here, which I am not sure I meant to do. But that's okay! I had a good time. It wasn't love at first sight...but he wasn't like {The Grandpa} - thank God.
There's always next time right?
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Stacy}

I started this online dating thing all by my lonesome self, but since I joined eHarmony, I've been lucky enough to have two other good friends take the plunge. You already met {The Juju}. Now let me introduce you to Stacy yesterday. She's one of my dearest friends - and she doesn't take shit from anyone. She also happens to be tall and blond. So if you are single - and want attention - don't bring her as your wing woman. :)
She also decided to blog about her quest in finding true love. Well, she just posted a {GEM} - that just can't be beat. And because of that, I'm not even going to post about myself today. I'm not even going to try.
Head over to her blog and check out how the shit hit the fan in her world.
And for all you single girls out there, it looks like {The Jock} is still single and ready to mingle...so if you wanna hit that, I'm sure Stacy would happily get you in touch with him...
I die.
xoxo,
Elle
From Stacy at www.stacy-onlinedatingadventures.com

Shit hits the fan

So today I arrive at work at 6:30a.m. and have to make presentations to the employees.  During my breaks in the presentations my friend "Britney" sends me a text message asking how my date went and letting me know that she got stood up on her date!  I text her back, "WTF? was it a match date with someone new?".  She tells me that it was with someone that she had been dating for a little while, and they had already been on several dates.  I feel bad for Britney, that sucks!  What a jerk.  I guess these are some of the downsides of match.com dating.

Today I receive more text messages from Jock, here's a little snipet:

10:28a.m.: "I'm back in town, if you would still like to get together this weekend"
                  **Umm, probably not considering I haven't texted you in over a week**
12:38p.m.: "Guess not. haha! I told you this would happen! I just wish you'd say you weren't interested, instead of ignoring me :("
                 "Anyways, best of luck to you!"
                 "Haha I just realized we have a mutual friend.. and that's probably why you stopped responding! Haha! I hate small towns :("

Now at this point, I know the "friend" he is referring to (see below). 

Britney had mentioned to me a while back that she actually went on a date with Jock several months ago.  After reading my blog, she realized that it was the same person (It under no means was a deterrent for me to not go on a date with Jock, he just annoyed me with his constant text messages - plain and simple). 

Britney and I were making some plans to meet up for St. Patrick's Day and then Britney sends me a text later in the afternoon saying that she's pretty sure a nasty email will come to me from Jock.

I give her a call and learn some interesting occurances:

1.  When I didn't respond to Jock, he decided to creepily do a search for me on facebook.
2.  When he found me, he also saw that him and I were a mutual friend with Britney.
3.  He started textually harrassing Britney.
4.  Britney let him know that I have a blog - and send him some "excerpts" from my blog!

Now, I understand what she means about a "nasty email".

Sure enough, here it comes:

***"First of all, I'm not a Jock. Second of all, I tried to call you and chat and you would never pick up my calls. Third, I never asked for provocative pictures, I wanted a picture of your face because I think you are beautiful.. I guess I'm an asshole in that case.

It really bummed me out to read your blog.. to really see the lies you were telling me when you were out with friends the night before my birthday (out on another date) and just had so much to do (another date) the day after. I invited you to my birthday because I wanted to meet you. It is really sad, because I am a good guy.. I treat people with respect and dignity, and to see the other side. To see someone just playing some big game and gain enjoyment is sad. Instead of being a stand up person and just saying I am not interested, you write about me, albeit anonymously, and laugh, while not responding to me.

I was trying to be persistent because I thought you were a sweet girl. But alas, I see otherwise. It's funny because men are painted as such pigs.. Especially, with my description. Like a neanderthal, just wanting a cheap fuck. Well that's fine, I'm sorry for blowing you up at book club (because I was interested in getting to know you), I am sorry for asking for a picture because I think you are beautiful, and I am sorry for inviting you to a party I was having. I tried all of the things you wanted me to do (coffee, call, etc.) and you blew me off, all the while, claiming how I and other men, are incapable or reacting the way you want them to.

So to answer the question your blog so eloquently poses, the answer is no. You can't find true love when you play people, lie, and write them off as people who couldn't be further from the depiction you write them as. You put me in a little box and treated me like all the men you've ever hated, treated you. Just remember, everyone isn't an asshole, everyone isn't a liar, and everyone isn't out to get you."***

Whoa buddy!  I think it is time you just settled down.  There are plenty of fish out in the sea, I'm just one girl, you need to let it go. 

Oh, and when did I paint men as such assholes?  Did I do that?  I didn't mean to do that, because I like men.  I'd say though that there is at least one man out there that doesn't like me.  :)

Thanks for sharing Stacy!

xoxo, Elle

Elle {and} the Importance of Communication

So I've been at this for a while. Feels like forever. Really it hasn't even been two months. Oh shit. I only have a month left on my subscription. I better hurry up and find a mate! Oh wait. You can't hurry love. No,  you just have to wait. Sigh. That song! So true.
So I'm talking to this guy. We'll call him {The Dentist}. Yep. He's a dentist. Photos? Nothing to write home about {male hair loss}. His story? AH-mazing. He is the most interesting person I have ever spoken to in my life. We go through the guided communication. Email back and forth a few times and he asks if we can meet up.
I start sweating.
Of course we can! I'm fresh off my horrible date with {The Grandpa} and ready to get back out there. {The Dentist} suggests that we grab a cup of coffee. While I'd prefer something a little...harder {liquor is a girls best friend in these situations}, I don't want him to think I'm a lush. So I agree.
I pick out a Starbucks in my neighborhood. And we agree to meet at Noon on a Saturday.
Here we go again. I pick out my outfit. I go through my usual getting ready. I sweat. The usual!
I decide to head down to Starbucks a little early to snag a table and buy my drink. After the disaster with {The Grandpa} I don't want to deal with splitting a bill. Even coffee.
I arrive. Order my drink. Snag a table with a view of the counter {that way I can hightail it out of there if he ends up being a freak...I kid, I kid} and then I. Put. My. Phone. On. Silent. and place it in my purse.
Yup. You guessed it.
I'm pretending to read my book and feel like time is CRAWLING. But tell myself to take it easy he'll be here soon. After an eternity passes I look at my phone. Three text messages and it's 12:32pm. He arrived. He waited outside the coffee shop for me. He never came in. He thought I stood him up. He said a few passive aggressive things. He left.
Mortified.
I texted him. I apologized! He called me. Holy shit. He has a deep voice and an accent. He's already on the freeway. We agree to check our calendars and reconvene later in the week.
Hi. My name is Elle and I over think things. I didn't want to be glued to my phone when he walked in, or be interrupted when we met {what? I'm a very popular girl}, so I over thought it.
Are me and {The Dentist} doomed? Or is this a story we will tell our grandkids? Stay tuned!
What did I learn?
1. Don't put your phone on silent.
2. Agree on where you will meet {inside or outside}?
3. Find a man who will actually come inside the joint for a quick scan to see if you are there...
Ugh. 
xoxo,
Elle

Elle {and} eHarmony

Alright. I took a break from this blog. I admit it. Dating. Is. Exhausting. Seriously. I already have a full time job...then I have to come home and basically source resumes {profiles} to weed out all the losers. What? It's true. And let me tell you, there is an {ABUNDANCE} of losers on eHarmony. Like big time.
Look, I haven't lied to you. I'm the most judgmental person I know. But I {HAVE} been trying to go easier on these guys. Is it my fault that they are schmucks?
The {Cock} Guy
This guys profile picture is of him standing in front of a sign that I can only assume says Cocktails. He blocked out the 'tails' part and is essentially standing under a sign that says {Cock}. Um. Douche-bag.
The {Dumb} Guy:
He couldn't spell {Halloween}. SPELL CHECK. We've already discussed this in an earlier post.
The {Sexually Knowledgeable} Guy: 
Buy a hooker.
The {Confused} Guy:
On his profile he says he wants kids. In his "Must Have, Can't Stands" he must have someone who supports his decision not to have kids. WHAT?
The {Teeth Matches Yellow Tie} Guy:
Ugh. Use a different photo?
The {Non-Smiling} Guy:
I understand it might not be "cool" to smile, but seriously, you look angry and pissed off. I'm terrified of you.
The {Hiker} Guy{s} - every other match:
UGH. Maybe it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest...but GROSS. You, in your fleece vest, hiking boots and khaki shorts - TURN. OFF. No offense.
Do I sound defeated? I am. But there is always tomorrow!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Feeling Petite

Ugh.
Today I was matched with two guys who are 5'5". Which really means 5'3". Right?
Look, I have no problem with guys who are short. I have guy friends who are short. The operative word being friends. A lot of guys who are short have the short man syndrome. Or the Napoleon Complex. Ugh. Exhausting.
Both of these guys requested communication with me! Am I being shallow for wanting to close them? Am I asking for too much? I'd like to be able to feel petite. Not large and in charge, like I'm going to crush my man.

Fact: Tom Cruise has short man syndrome.

Keith Urban cannot feel great about
himself in this photo.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on THAT Guy

Ugh.

It's days like this that make me think it's {not} possible to find true love online! This guy requested communication with me today:

/////////////////////////// WARNING!!! \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ This profile contains; Adult Language , Adult Content , Psychological Nudity!

UGH. FYI, there was no adult language, adult content or psychological {?} nudity in his profile.

And he had a creepy picture. Like seriously. I'm going to have nightmares. I feel like he is making eye contact with me when I switch to my eHarm tab.

Thank you for the warning.
Now I'm going to close you.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Pure Chocolate

My friend {The Juju} recently {and by recently I mean Friday} signed up for a different online dating website. I personally like to think that she saw how much of a {blast} I've been having on eHarm and just had to join the fun.

I have to say I am quite proud of her! She already has two dates set up for this week. And she had {EVERY} right to be discouraged. One of the first emails she received from a match included this gem:

"I'm about 6'2" and weigh about 227 pounds of pure chocolate."

Luckily Match has a way to let people down easy. And {The Juju} is moving on. She may not be moving on to something bigger...but I think we all agree it will be better.

This guy is cute.

This guy is not.

Moral of the story? Don't refer to yourself as chocolate - not milk, not white, not dark.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's Second {eHarm} Date

Let's re-cap. {Blind date} last summer? Meh - I wasn't in the right mindset. Wasn't his fault. No chemistry. Lots of sweat {his}. Something to look back on and laugh. Great confidence booster. First {eHarm} date? Great company. Great time. Great drinks. He decided to harmonize exclusively with some other chick the day after our date {his loss}. I was feeling pretty good about life. Pretty good about meeting gents online. Pretty excited {terrified} to set up my next date. But hey, if they were all going to be like {The Canadian} dating up a storm was going to be cake!

While talking with {The Canadian}, I was also talking with this other guy. Before I met him, I would have called him {The Nerd} - in a good way! But after meeting him in person - I find {The Grandpa} to be more appropriate.

Remember my friend and dating consultant {The Meow}? She was sold on this guy. On paper he appeared equally dorky and fun. She was more excited than I was. {The Meow} was already scheduling double dates in our near future.

I will say that my other friend {The Judge} thought he
looked like Artie from Glee.

After going back and forth for a bit {The Grandpa} finally got up the nerve to ask to meet in person. He initially asked to meet me for brunch but I was feeling ill. {I should have listened to my body - I think it was trying to tell me something}. He left me a message and said "Howdy Elle" {Yep, he actually said howdy}. And then proceeded to blabber on about weather and brunch and meeting in person for a very boring {painful} few minutes. {Again, I should have trusted my instincts...but I thought maybe he was just nervous}!

I. Was. Wrong. So very wrong.

We decided to meet the following Friday for dinner in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. It was freezing {literally} and it was his brilliant idea to meet outside in front of the Lenin statue. Good people. This now should have been clue number three to abort the mission. Who decides to meet in front of a statue in 20 degree weather? {The Grandpa} does. So on I went.

So there I am at 6:35pm standing in front of that god damned statue -freezing my ass off- when I hear this warbly voice - "Are you Elle?" Our eyes met for the first time. I was ready for fireworks...And instead I found myself looking into the eyes of. My. Mom. Now seriously, my mom is adorable. She is feminine. And I love her. I count her to be one of my very best friends. She is a woman {obviously}. And she has a few decades on me. So, {NO}, I don't want to be on a date with {a MAN} who resembles my mother.

But I'm not someone who gets down to easy. I jumped right into giving this guy a fair chance. We trotted across the street to Jai Thai and were promptly seated.

It all went down hill from there. He ordered hot {jasmine} tea as his beverage. Period. He. Was. So. Boring. I will not even bore you with the details. But I will tell you it was the {LONGEST} hour and ten minutes of my life. I was so bored, I ate four bites of my Pad See Eew - and asked for a box. He ate his plate. He whined about his brother being married {bitter much?} And then...he ordered dessert. My friends, I am not lying to you. The date crashed. It burned. And {The Grandpa} decided it was a good time to order sticky rice pudding...for us to split? {WTF}? First. Rice is not dessert. Second. Were we not on the same date? I'm signaling for the check and you're ordering dessert? All I could think about was getting home to my new Us Weekly magazine.

So. We split the check. He awkwardly {creepily?} offered me a ride home. And ladies and gentlemen - this is when I knew that {The Grandpa} and I were never to meet again. I, Elle, declined a ride home. I actually thought in my precious little brain, that the bus was a better option.

What did I learn on this date?
1. I should trust my woman's intuition.
2. Don't order hot tea on a date. Just don't. Order a coke. Or a Dr. Pepper. Or an iced tea. Hot {jasmine} tea, does not scream romance.
3. Don't go to dinner on a first date {I already knew this - but lesson learned...again}
4. If your date is signaling for the check, don't order dessert.
5. When a stinky bus ride home sounds more appealing than getting a ride home in a nice clean car - it's just not meant to be.

In fact from now on, I think I'm going to do the {bus test}. If at any moment I decide I don't want a ride home from someone, I'm going to go home to immediately close them online. The End.

FYI - The evening was not a total waste. I was totally and completely proud of myself for getting out there again! {High Five} You gotta kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince, right?

Maybe if {The Grandpa} had worn this hat to keep warm,
he would not have needed to order HOT TEA.

Happy virtual dating!

xoxo,
Elle

Elle's First Guest Post from {The General}

Happy Friday to All! Today you are in for a special treat. A friend of mine, we'll call her {The General}, has a true story to share about dating {a 25 year-old} in the 21st century.

The {Back Story}:
{The General} has been seeing this guy, we'll call him {The Soldier} for a few months. He's 25, she's 32. She's quick to point out that that's a seven year age gap. Her philosophy is that all relationships teach you something {true} - and they might just be good for one thing {sex?}.

As told by {The General}:

I got a {mere} four hours of sleep the night before last because {The Soldier} snored all night...well  and we had s*x three times.  So yesterday, I was really looking forward to going home to an empty house and spending the night being mellow {catching up on sleep}.  HOWEVER…

Before I left for work, {The Soldier} asked if he could stay a little later and do one load of laundry. I said sure so, when I left for work he was still at my house.  I told him to be nice to my dog and to text me when he was done his laundry and leaving my house.  I never received {that text}. Why? Don't worry. I soon found out. When I walked through my door at 5pm {HE WAS STILL THERE}.  Did he ask me if he could stay all day?  No.  Did he actually do {that} one load of laundry?  No.  He played video games and watched TV…all day. I was so irritated, tired and cranky - I just wanted to be alone.  Instead I had to have a {fun}  conversation with {The Soldier} about BOUNDARIES and why staying at my house all day {while I am AT WORK} is not appropriate. I was as {kind} as I could possibly be given my lack of sleep and {complete} exhaustion.  After we had that {fun} conversation he was completely mortified which of course made me feel like a jerk.  So I made some dinner {nachos}, poured some wine {red} and we had s*x {twice}. We watched a little TV {CSI} and ate ice cream straight from the containers {yum}.

End of story?  Nope.

He actually {DID} do something beyond watching tv and playing video games all day.  Are you ready for this?  Prepare yourselves… I am {dead} serious.  Get ready...

{He.  Shaved.  His.  B*lls.  In my bathroom…In my shower to be more specific.} GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, on top of being exhausted, I had to pretend to like his completely {bald} makeover.  “Wow, your p*nis looks really big now, babe.  And your b*lls are so big!  I love your new look.”  Yes, those words actually came out of my mouth. As I said earlier, I felt bad about our {talk} on boundaries so I was trying my hardest to be {The NICE General}.

This is what dating a 25-year-old entails.  Great s*x...but this crap as well.

L.O.L

xoxoxo,
{The General}

Elle {Poses} a Question to Readers

Tonight a match requested communication with me and this was one of his questions:

{What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?}
A) I believe that both partners should have and actively pursue opposite sex friendships.
B) I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships.
C) I don't mind opposite sex friends for my mate as long as I'm included in the socializing.
D) I would probably be uncomfortable with my mate having opposite sex friendships.

It's the first time I received this question and I actually had to take some time to think about it. In my last relationship I didn't allow enough time for my own friendships. I invested time in him and his friends {of both sexes}. However, he didn't have too many {if any} female friends that didn't come with a significant other {and the significant other was usually his friend in the first place}. Am I a jealous person by nature? Am I comfortable with my S.O. having good female friends? If they have boyfriends {or girlfriends I suppose} would that make me more comfortable? Can single women and single men really be friends?

Does this eventually happen with all M & F friends?
Fun fact: I have those sheets but no, those aren't my feet.

Are there really no strings attached?
Fun Fact: After seeing this movie, I considered going to med school.
Natalie Portman made it look fun.

Can you guess what I answered? I struggled between B & C.
{And finally went with B.} What do you think?

Happy virtual dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Checking Your Spelling

Hello All - Today I was matched with {this guy}:

"I love going on walks. I love hiking and seeing nature. I love dancing with my partner. I also dont ming staying home and watching a movie."

A couple of things come to mind.

1. First and foremost. Spell check is a beautiful thing. Use it. Often. It's there for a reason. You know when you are typing and the little red dots appear under a word you just wrote? That means you misspelled something. Right click. Select the word you meant to type. Boom. Fixed. Like I said, spell check is a beautiful thing.

2. You are on a dating site. Don't write "I love dancing with my partner." Just don't do it. Period. Unless you elaborate on what that means.

I picture you and your partner
Dirty Dancing. And I feel jealous.

Happy virtual dating!

xoxo,

Elle

Elle's First {eHarm} Date

Alright, ALRIGHT! I know you all have been DYING to know about my very first date set up by my good friend, eHarmony.
Here's how it all went down. I was matched with this guy. We'll call him {The Canadian}. Why? You guessed it. He's Canadian. I checked out his profile. He. Did. Not. Present. Well. He had three photos. He looked scared/shocked in all of them. He was wearing a shirt that reminded me of Jersey Shore...Gross.

Seattle ain't Jersey Shore yo.

I forgot to tell you one little thing about me. It's kind of important. Here goes. Hi. I'm Elle. I'm one of the most judgmental people that you'll ever meet. Remember how I told you earlier that I seeked out professional help during the break-up? Well, I'm still seeing her. We'll call her the {Voice of Reason}.  The {Voice of Reason} and I are working on me not being so judgmental. Her advice to me during this time in my life was to come up with a list of absolute 'can't stands', but then after that give everyone a chance who starts the communication process with me. We can talk about my absolute 'can't stands' another time.
So {The Canadian} did not present well online. His profile was semi-boring. He looked shocked and somewhat feminine in his photos. And he wrote like English might be his second language {poor grammar}.
However, when he started the communication process with me, I had the {Voice of Reason} in the back of my head and I decided to give him a chance. I did what any {girl} would do - and consulted with my friends on every communication that was exchanged between us.
Now, keep in mind, that I am new to the online dating world. {The Canadian} come to find out, is an old pro. He asked me for my number and all I could think about is -what a creep! What is he moving so fast?! {he wasn't...}. So again, I did what any {neurotic} girl would do and I made up a new email address that he couldn't trace to me - even if he hired a private detective. {Side Bar: Why did I make up a fake email address? My dating consultant and good friend, we'll call her {The Meow}, is a professional online stalker and she found {The Canadian's} facebook page, several of his family members facebook pages {hello Jersey Shore} and his blood type with just a few quick swipes on the keyboard. Her response to what she discovered? "This doesn't look like your crowd."}
After exchanging a few emails -via my fake email address- I finally grew a pair got up the nerve to give him my number on Sunday, February 13th - otherwise known as the day before Valentine's Day. He texted me that evening and asked if I had plans. I didn't. After going back and forth for a while -where he actually invite me to his house for dinner {I told him I already ate. I hadn't}- we finally decided to meet at my place at 9pm. Between that moment and 9pm I exchanged approximately 10,000 text messages with several friends. I. Was. Nervous.
Two of my favorite pieces of advise? 1. Take a shot. 2. Stand in front of the freezer {I sweat when I am nervous.}

Girls Best Friend. Pre-Date {and maybe Post-Date}

{The Canadian} arrived a few minutes before 9. We walked in the rain {he shared his umbrella} to Spur Gastropub to grab a few drinks. He was so much better in person! He was very well-spoken. He was actually good-looking {not shocked-looking}. There was no Jerseylicious shirt in site. And he had the most adorable Canadian accent.
Conversation came easy. He tried three different cocktails {'down' - google it} and I tried to be 'man-friendly' by ordering Stella Artois {Is that man-friendly?}. He referenced things from my profile and from our email exchanges. I did the same. He laughed about how it was creepy/weird that he invited me over for dinner. We were there until they shut the bar down. It was SO much better than the blind date of 2010. He slyly paid the bill {what a gentleman}. He walked me to my door. He texted me to make sure I made it up the elevator okay. He told me he had a great time. I wasn't sure how I felt about him, but I did have a great time.
And then two days later he told me he had a Valentine. What? Were you expecting that? I wasn't. But I had a great time and I am so glad I went! It was a great first experience to get back in the game. And I felt a sense of pride for getting out of my comfort zone.
What I learned:
A. Dating won't kill you, it will only make you {stronger}.
B. It's better to meet {in person} then to drag out the virtual dating.
C. Stock your freezer with {vodka} for a pre-date drink.
Please tell me there are other people out there who share my fear of dating {sweat much?}. And that there are other people who have had a fantastic first dates - that go nowhere. CHAWK-ward. But it makes for a great story. Right?
xoxo,
Elle