Elle and a {New} Name

{The Bus Rider} and I 'defined our relationship.' Whether he wanted to or not. {I win}. So I've decided to give him a new name!

Everybody, meet...{The Boyfriend}! Yay. Here are some fun facts about him. 

1. He smells real nice.
2. He makes delicious guacamole.
3. He does not like soda very much.
4. He does like beer and 'good' tequila.
5. Sometimes he interrupts me when I am talking. And he says or asks something completely off topic.
6. I like his body {and his brain}.
7. Sometimes he has to wear a pager.
8. He does not have a peg leg.
9. He likes to water ski.
10. He does not like to lose.
11. He is {very} handsome.

You wish he was your boyfriend too. But he's not. He's mine. So there.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Wine}

After I passed {The Bus Rider's} 'normally off-limit questions test' on our second date, he invited me to attend a wine party that his high school buddy was hosting on Saturday night.

As Saturday approached, I started freaking out a little. Last time I saw this guy, I was a little tipsy. And my mouth was all over his. Like all over. {Oh God, were they sloppy kisses?} I've always had a boyfriend. I've never been 'dating' someone, much less multiple people at once. If I'm kissing {The Bus Rider}, am I allowed to be kissing other guys? Talking to other guys? Seriously? How does this work?

Welp, I figure I'll find out.

He swings by right on time and opens the car door for me {Swoon. Seriously gentlemen, take note. Open a door for us, we're clay in your hands.}

I've never been one who particularly enjoys meeting new people, but needless to say the evening was fun.

When the party ended we headed across the street to Gasworks Park to lay under the stars {and suck face for a while. What? It's true.}

Want to?

As we headed back to the car he asked if I wanted him to drop me off at my place or head over to his. And I'm sorry, but you'll never know how I replied. ;-)

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Drunk Texting}

Alright. By the time Friday rolled around, I was exhausted. After getting a mere minutes of sleep on Wednesday night, Thursday was a wash and by the time Friday arrived, I was ready for the weekend.

I started throwin back brewskies at 3 at the monthly party at my place of business. By 4 I was ready for happy hour. I grabbed some of the girls from work and we headed across the street to Blush {I don't recommend...} for a liquid dinner.

Awwwhhh. {Liquid Courage}. Such a beautiful thing. After tossing back some more of the good stuff and some encouragement from my happy hour buddies, I send {The Bus Rider} a text message. 

Without liquid courage, I'm not sure I'd have any courage at all...

He ends up meeting up with us and soon after my friends take off {rude, but at the same time, I'm kinda glad they did.} The evening ends up somewhat similarly to our last night. Only this time we ride the bus home...together? You'll never know.

 This counts as our third date, right?

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {PDA}

I left off with telling y'all about my hot date at the zoo with {The Dutch Guy}. We had a great time, but come Monday I found out he had some x-girlfriend drama that I just didn't want to get involved in. Ugh. The older we get the more baggage we have. Rad.

After the completely awkward end of my date with {The Bus Rider}, I was surprised but excited when he asked if we could meet for happy hour later this week. This guy doesn't mess around. I have to admit I'm intrigued because he appears to be looking past my complete awkward and uncomfortableness. How is this possible? I distract myself with my awkwardness...how is {HE} looking past it?

This is what the end of our first date looked like.
Seriously...

I digress. He offered to meet me in my neighborhood this time {cute}. I figured I'd take him to the spot where I've dragged many of my other dates - Spur.

Wednesday roles around and I happen to have a pretty crappy-ass day at work. I'm running late. It's raining. By the time I get to my house to quickly freshen up, he's already at the bar and probably annoyed with me that I'm running late. Which makes me sweat. Which is attractive. So that's awesome.

Spur is pretty packed for a Wednesday but we snag a table. I had eaten a late lunch, and decided I'd get right to the hard stuff...if you consider red wine hard...he ordered gnocchi {and pronounced the "G"{cute}} and some sort of fancy man drink {a Manhattan?}. He gobbled down his meal like he hadn't eaten in days. {Bless his heart}.

We settled in and the conversation came easy. He lead the conversation, which I appreciate. I hate having to feel like I am working so hard. He dives right into some topics "you typically avoid on the first few dates." Religion & Politics. This made me giggle on the inside. We seem to be on the same page. However, I try to push the conversation elsewhere. I don't really know him, and I'm not sure if these are topics that he'll get all worked up about. I don't want tears or yelling on our second date...Right?

The next thing I know a few hours have passed. I look down and realize he's holding my hand. After being in a relationship for five years with {The X} - where we rarely touched in public - this feels different. But it feels okay. I realize I am a little tipsy. And by a little I mean a lot. He's sitting across the table from me and says he feels far away. He asks if he can come sit next to me, and I laugh on the inside. I know, I just know, that he is thinking of me sitting 3 miles away from him in his living room on our first date.

He moves to my side of the table where I decide I should come clean about the bus ride. I think I kinda freaked him out by alluding to the fact that I knew him a little better then he knew me. After I finally told the whole story, he seemed a little relieved and found it funny. I thought to my {tipsy} self, well Elle, this is a good sign.

I can tell he's about to kiss me but he's so adorable that he asks without really asking. This is of course {too} cute. But it also makes me sweat. I don't want our first kiss to be at Spur! But it happens and it's nice. And I think to myself, this guy is kind of adorable.

Spur ends up closing at 11, so we head across the street to the Bath Tub Gin Co. We arrive at the Bath Tub Gin and cozy up into a corner. I'm sucking face with this guy. In a bar. At 11pm. On a school night. {What, you weren't expecting me to write that?} Who is this girl, I keep thinking? I don't do this on second dates, much less in public! Well, whoever she is, I decide I like her.  And I decide I like like this guy whose bringing this girl out in me.

{The Bus Rider} keeps trying to end the date back at my place. He's a little broken-hearted because I told him that I don't particularly enjoy dancing. He tells me we should close the tab, head back to my place, turn on some music and dance. I can't help but think the dance he's thinking of is the horizontal mambo. Sorry {Bus Rider}, that just ain't gonna happen on the second date ;-). Luckily I planned ahead. I knew that if I got tipsy, my inhibitions would be lowered and I might be prone to making decisions that I wouldn't normally make in this kind of a situation. I purposefully left my home a bit of a mess, so we couldn't 'end up at my place' at the end of the evening doing a second date version of the horizontal mambo. Internet high-five!

He may not want to high-five over this,
but I'm a lady, and I do!

We end up shutting down the Bath Tub Gin Co., and he walks me home to my place. He hails a cab and we do a little more kissing against it for a healthy handful of minutes. I'm cracking up on the inside. I realize it took us nearly 30 minutes to walk two and a half blocks. Wow. What were we doing on that short walk home? I tell him my chin is red/raw and he apologizes. He tells me he thinks I'm cute, and I quickly forget about my red/raw chin.

I'm not ready to close my OkCupid account, but as I'm getting ready for bed I think to myself, yeah, I kinda like this guy.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dutch Guy}

As ya'll know I signed up for okcupid.com since eHarmony failed me with {The Dreaded Friend} Match and I decided paying to meet me some men {husband candidates} wasn't jiving with my {Elle} style.

So I met {The Bus Rider} and we had a lovely little adventure together that commenced with me listening to him recount our date to his buddy on King County Metro Bus #26. Good times were had by all.

In true Elle style, I never put all my eggs in one basket and I had another date lined up that weekend with an okcupid match.

{The Dutch Guy} and I had been talking for several weeks by now but we hadn't had a chance to meet up due to scheduling conflicts. One thing that I thought was especially nice about him was that he wanted to talk on the phone before we met. He insisted. I was terrified, as I barely talk on the phone with my family and think that all phone conversations are horribly awkward. Especially with people you've never met. But we had a great rapport via email and texting and I wasn't going to let one little phone conversation get in the way of meeting this man.

He called me on a Thursday and the phone conversation went fine. Better then fine actually. We talked for about an hour but it only felt like five minutes. This is good right?

He suggested we meet in person. At the zoo.

Every person I consulted with thought this was particularly odd except for me and my good friend {The Meow}. I can always count on {The Meow} to be supportive.

{The Dutch Guy} offered to pick me up which I thought was very sweet, but I thought it would be better to bus it...that way I didn't feel trapped.

My bus arrived at the zoo and there he was waiting for me at the bus stop. How. Sweet. Is. That? He had gotten there early and already bought me a ticket, so there was no awkwardness when it came to paying/entering. But seeing him wait for me at the bus stop made my heart go pitter-patter. This guy is a gentleman, right?

Nine points for {The Dutch Guy}.

The zoo turned out to be one of the very best date spots so far. Conversation came very easy. There were no awkward silences. And if there was ever a lull in conversation, we talked about the animals. I told him a few "must sees" for me and he made sure we spent a lot of time at my favorite exhibits.
We spent several hours at the zoo and went back to my favorite exhibit twice {The Penguins in case you were wondering}. He was the appropriate amount of funny/interesting. And opened every door for me. This guy has class. I. Was. Hooked.

The very sweetest part of our date included a picnic at the end. {The Dutch Guy} had recently been back to Holland to visit his parents and had brought back an entire suitcase full of Dutch treats. He brought a sampling of his favorites on our date and he told me about each of them while we tasted. It was very neat to see his eyes light up as he talked about his home, his favorite food and his family. He asked several questions about me, my family and my life. It was such a relief to be on a date with a guy who took the lead.

We reluctantly realized our date was coming to an end. He drove me home and I got to learn more about another interest of his - racing cars. As he drove me home, he told me he could drop me off a few blocks from my place if I didn't want to tell him where I lived. We had a good chuckle over that.
When we arrived at my place, he told me to hold on for a second - he hopped out of the car and ran around to open my door.

He asked if he could see me again which made my heart pitter-patter again. I realized that this is what a first date is supposed to feel like. I felt a real connection with him and silently celebrated inside my head.

We parted ways with promises to see each other soon. And he sent me a few adorable text  messages later that night.Success! I felt really good about my first two dates from okcupid and couldn't wait to see what would happen next!

I was thrilled that the zoo date had turned out so magical and perfect. I realized it was easier to relax and enjoy myself with distractions. Rather then guzzling cocktails/brewskis and awkwardly looking {I am probably glaring} at each other from across a table. I found it interesting that both guys from okcupid had suggested a similar date - but then I realized that they had been at this longer than me and are probably experts at wooing innocent ladies such as myself.

Happy Virtual Dating!

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Bus Rider} Round II

I left off last time telling you about my date with {The Bus Rider}. Now you get to learn how he got his name.

After parting ways at his corner {like a first class whore - but not really}, I immediately dial my good friend {The Meow} to go over the entire date. I recount everything and she can't help but laugh at me. She tells me he seems very sweet and that I should get together with him again. She talks me off the ledge regarding the touching and tells me her husband was very similar. I decide to text him and thank him for a lovely time. Even though I sent horribly mixed signals, he responds by asking to meet up for happy hour later in the week. I'm definitely excited about that. Glad to meet someone who can look past my awkwardness.

{The Meow} and I get off the phone. I do a little shopping. And then my friend {The Doctor} calls. She worked the night shift the night before and is a little late in waking up. She asks me to catch the bus to her place {She lives in Wallingford} and says she'll shower up and then we can head to U Village.

I hop on the bus and sit towards the front. I'm on the phone with {The Doctor} - she is explaining to me where to get off. As I hang up the phone we are pulling up to a stop - and I hear a familiar voice. I see a familiar jacket. And hat.

Holy Shit.

My date - who I ran away from just over an hour ago - is getting on the bus.

Missed connection on King County Metro

Hello worst nightmare. What the fuck do I do? He {literally} steps over my Ugg and walks right past me and greets his friend.

Oh wait. No. {This} is my worst nightmare. He is {literally} sitting two feet away from me. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I'm pulling my hair in front of my face. I'm laughing hysterically on the inside. So hard that I am crying. I'm thinking - you can't make this shit up. This would {only} happen to me.
Wait. It gets better.

He starts telling his friend about our date. I'm {literally} listening to him recount his version of our first date. And, he's different. More confident. More at ease. I kinda like this side of him. And he's being very kind. If the tables were turned - who knows what I would be saying. I think you all can imagine what {Judgmental Elle} would have to say.

I decide I need to get the fuck of this bus. But I don't want to pull the ringer - for fear that I will draw attention to myself. I wait for someone else to pull the ringer. And practically {run} off the bus. Where I hysterically laugh for ten minutes. Oh, and sweat of course. Seriously. This shit would only happen to me.

Where am I? No seriously. I just got off the bus. And I don't know where I am.

xoxo, Elle

Elle and {The Bus Rider}

Yes. It's true. I've been MIA. Again. But you would be too if this had happened to you.

I signed up for OkCupid because eHarmony has been lacking in quality matches. I lined up two dates pretty quickly. One with {The Dutch Boy} and one with {The Bus Rider}. Juggling all these boys is exhausting. Seriously.

Anyway, {The Bus Rider} lives in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle. We communicated a bit through OkCupid and I gave him my number. He asked if I want to meet up for dinner, drinks, a walk whatever. A. He royally {sucks} at texting. He takes hours, if not a few days to respond. B. He likes to dance {or so he says from his profile}. These are two things that annoy me. But I push on.
In the meantime, I'm talking with {The Dutch Boy} and eagerly awaiting our date to the {ZOO}.

Perfect.

So I meet {The Bus Rider} on a Saturday - after running 8 miles. Whose idea was it to walk around Capitol Hill after that? Oh yeah, it was his. I ride the bus up to Cap Hill and get off at the wrong spot. Dates off to a good start, right? He meets me on the street. First impression? His jacket isn't buttoned, and it appears to be flowing in the wind. I detect what I think is a limp, and I'm curious to find out if he has a fake leg. Not sure why, I go straight to that conclusion, but remember? I'm judgmental.

After our date, this is how I remember him looking.

We walk around. And my legs are killing me. Like killing me. I keep peeking around each corner looking for a wheelchair.

We go to Starbucks, where he opens the door. For himself. Not me. But he does treat. So I can't complain right? He makes fun of me for ordering iced coffee. And I later regret my choice, when I realize it's three degrees outside. And raining.

We continue on our walk and he brings me up to the water tower at Volunteer Park. It's actually kind of romantic. Did I mention I had to walk up like 100 stairs? And my legs/knees were {killing} me?
Next stop? The Greenhouse. I tell him about nearly killing the plant my Mom gave him. He's not impressed. He buys me a cactus and buys himself one too. I think it's kinda sweet. We continue on our walk and it starts pouring rain.

{And}

He invites me back to his place to get out of the rain and for some {tea}. {What is it with guys and tea with me?!}

Holy shit. How do I say no to this, without letting him know that I am totally creeped out. This is how people get killed, right? I'm gripping my phone. Not sure what to say. And then I hear myself say {sure}. What the fuck?! Who said that? The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that my friend, {The Doctor}, was expecting to see me around dinner time.

We go back to his place and he legitimately seems to be making tea. {I'm keeping my eye on him though.} His place is cute/clean. Turns out his mom helped him decorate {phew}. He turns on the fire place and I'm holding my hands in front of it. He touches my hands. I freak out.
I find a way to pull them away. He does it again. Fuck.

The tea kettle starts whistling, so he gets distracted. I decide to put some distance between the two of us and look out his balcony. The next thing I know he shows up behind me. And then he puts his arm around me. Fuck! I tense up and pull a Macgyver like move to get away from him. I plant my booty firmly at his dining room table and distract myself with some catalogs.

He asks if I'd like to move to the couch. I promise it's not as creepy as I'm making it sound. But I was still freaked out. He sits on one couch and I sit on the other. I wave to him. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I so awkward?

Eventually he decides to use the restroom. So I do too. I tell him I'm meeting a friend in Belltown for dinner and need to get going. He offers to walk me to the bus and I decline {Hi, remember? I'm awkward. What if he tries to touch me again?} He ends up walking me to the corner, where I run away from him.

This isn't where our story ends.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {OkCupid}

Y'all. I've been slacking on the blog posting. You would too. This online dating thing can be exhausting. 

Recap. Talked to my friend {The Professor}. Heard his hilarious story about online dating. Told all of you. Signed up for okcupid myself annnnnnddddd...

I'm talking to some guys. Managing two online dating accounts is tough! Things weren't looking too hot on okcupid for a while.

One of the first guys that emailed me was wearing thick. black. eyeliner. And had long black hair. He had this whole email crafted about who he is and what he does. His pictures looked eerie - like hey, I'm a Satan Worshiper. Or a vampire. But not in an {Edward Cullen} kind of way.

He goes on and on and finishes by saying that he thinks we would be a perfect match. If you're not familiar with okcupid, the website gives you percentages of your likelihood of being a match.

Ours was 3%.

Honestly. 

Another guy winked at me. He said, "I like your cloak." I'm simply wearing a jacket in my photo. Not a cloak. He appears to be wearing a cloak in one of his photos. No thanks. While I'd never turn down the opportunity to attend {Hogwarts}, I know in my heart of hearts that it's not a real place. And I'm not interested in dating someone who might think it is.

I'm not throwing in the towel yet!

Happy Virtual Dating!
Elle

Elle and {The Professor}

So I'm talking to my friend this weekend - we'll call him {The Professor}. He's one of my older and wiser friends. I tell him I signed up for online dating - and it turns out he did too.

On Friday I met up with another friend, we'll call her {The Towel Bar}, and she asked me why on earth I was paying for online dating when I could try www.okCupid.com. It got me thinking. So I decide to give it a whirl.


Back to {The Professor}. He's been living in Pawnee, IN for the past two years. Population seven. So he gave oKCupid a try to see if he could meet one of the two hotties living in his town.

Side note: I find out his user name on the cupid and give him mine. We are 80% compatible. 56% friend. 10% enemy. Wait. What? Next time we are in the same state, we'll most likely hook up, just to ruin our friendship! We are so compatible! Who knew! I kid. I kid.

So anyways, I ask him how online dating is treating him and tell him about the freaks and keepers I've met so far. And then he tells me this story.

He met this one girl online. She looks cute. Seems nice. He decides to meet up with her. She shows up. And she's the size of a house. He thinks to himself. WTF? There's nothing wrong with being a little porky - he lives in the Midwest after all. But that's just false advertising. Right?

Did I mention {The Professor's} body type is skinny? Like a stick. And since I've known him, there has {ALWAYS} been a large girl going after his heart {trying to fatten him up I assume}.

So he gets to thinking about his luck with the ladies. He's thinking to himself, why do all the heavies try to snatch me up? And he comes to this conclusion. He says to me, "Elle, this one time I was at church camp and a heavy girl and I got sinful. This must be why God is punishing me."

I fell off my bed I was laughing so hard. One other thing you should know about {The Professor} is that there ain't no God in his world. So the fact that he came to this conclusion is huge {like a house}.

To be clear, he's not against a heavy. Heck, he'd even love one, if there was a spark. But so far. No spark.
It took some convincing from him, that I wasn't one of those gals that showed up looking like a house compared to my photos. I don't want to be one of those false advertisers!

We found each other on OkCupid and dissected each others profiles. We rated each other five stars and gave each other {an award}. We discovered we live 2007 miles apart. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to hook up. {He hasn't answered yet. Rude!} And I continued laughing hysterically over his story.  

mmm. Maybe he should give her a chance?

The moral of this story? Online dating is hilarious.

Oh and don't get sinful at church camp, unless it's with a hottie.

Lastly, post a realistic, current photo of you. You don't want to be the subject of a story like this!!

PS {The Professor} is still single and quite the catch I might add, if you're looking!

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dentist} Part II

Okay. So last time we left off, I was telling you about {The Dentist}. We decided to meet up on Thursday. Since he lives in Seattle...and works in Tacoma, we met at 8pm at Spur Gastropub. Uh oh. I sense a pattern here. This is where I've dragged two out of three dates. Here's what I decided. I'll soon become a regular here. And when I arrive with some freak, the bartender can rescue me. Problem solved. But anyway, back to my date.
He's late. Do we have to go through this again? This time I made sure my phone was NOT on silent. I'm sweating in my chair...so I do something very un-Elle like and crack open a bottle of wine. Yep. You heard me right. I start throwing back glasses of wine like my life depends on it. Before I know it, I'm halfway through the bottle and I tell myself to chill out.
I frantically text my friend Stacy who says, "OMG settle down, where are you going? It's not a big deal, if he doesn't like you, fuck him." Oh, thank God for Stacy.
Anyhoo, I get a text saying he is looking for parking. Last Saturday he was really concerned about parking too. I can't hold this against him though. I don't have a car to park...
I turn the lights off in my apartment and see this guy frantically weaving down the sidewalk. It's him, he's here. And I'm tipsy. Shit.
I grab a glass of water and chug. I pop a piece of gum in my mouth and triple check that I turned my straighter off {OCD?} and then head down stairs.
The moment we have all been waiting for. We meet.
He's kind of cute. I'm not falling over myself. He's got that male baldness thing going on, but not in a horrible way. His hair is salt and pepper {hot} and holy shit he says hello. Using my name. And he hugs me. His accent is {hot}. Like seriously. It's freezing out so we decide to book it straight to Spur.
He orders a cocktail and I decide to stick with red wine. He tells me the wine smells delicious. I tell him he smells delicious. Wait. Did I? Who knows? He did though!
We had a great conversation. He's the most interesting person that I've ever met. Ever. I do very little talking but do a lot of asking questions. He's very sweet and his story is incredible. Plus, he works with kids. I mean, how adorable is that.
We shut the place down. He insists on paying. He walks me back to my place. He hugs me again. I stiffen up and run inside.
Okay. So now I know where my area of weakness is. Pretty sure I sent him a strong signal of I need to get the hell outta here, which I am not sure I meant to do. But that's okay! I had a good time. It wasn't love at first sight...but he wasn't like {The Grandpa} - thank God.
There's always next time right?
xoxo,
Elle

Elle {and} the Importance of Communication

So I've been at this for a while. Feels like forever. Really it hasn't even been two months. Oh shit. I only have a month left on my subscription. I better hurry up and find a mate! Oh wait. You can't hurry love. No,  you just have to wait. Sigh. That song! So true.
So I'm talking to this guy. We'll call him {The Dentist}. Yep. He's a dentist. Photos? Nothing to write home about {male hair loss}. His story? AH-mazing. He is the most interesting person I have ever spoken to in my life. We go through the guided communication. Email back and forth a few times and he asks if we can meet up.
I start sweating.
Of course we can! I'm fresh off my horrible date with {The Grandpa} and ready to get back out there. {The Dentist} suggests that we grab a cup of coffee. While I'd prefer something a little...harder {liquor is a girls best friend in these situations}, I don't want him to think I'm a lush. So I agree.
I pick out a Starbucks in my neighborhood. And we agree to meet at Noon on a Saturday.
Here we go again. I pick out my outfit. I go through my usual getting ready. I sweat. The usual!
I decide to head down to Starbucks a little early to snag a table and buy my drink. After the disaster with {The Grandpa} I don't want to deal with splitting a bill. Even coffee.
I arrive. Order my drink. Snag a table with a view of the counter {that way I can hightail it out of there if he ends up being a freak...I kid, I kid} and then I. Put. My. Phone. On. Silent. and place it in my purse.
Yup. You guessed it.
I'm pretending to read my book and feel like time is CRAWLING. But tell myself to take it easy he'll be here soon. After an eternity passes I look at my phone. Three text messages and it's 12:32pm. He arrived. He waited outside the coffee shop for me. He never came in. He thought I stood him up. He said a few passive aggressive things. He left.
Mortified.
I texted him. I apologized! He called me. Holy shit. He has a deep voice and an accent. He's already on the freeway. We agree to check our calendars and reconvene later in the week.
Hi. My name is Elle and I over think things. I didn't want to be glued to my phone when he walked in, or be interrupted when we met {what? I'm a very popular girl}, so I over thought it.
Are me and {The Dentist} doomed? Or is this a story we will tell our grandkids? Stay tuned!
What did I learn?
1. Don't put your phone on silent.
2. Agree on where you will meet {inside or outside}?
3. Find a man who will actually come inside the joint for a quick scan to see if you are there...
Ugh. 
xoxo,
Elle

Elle {and} eHarmony

Alright. I took a break from this blog. I admit it. Dating. Is. Exhausting. Seriously. I already have a full time job...then I have to come home and basically source resumes {profiles} to weed out all the losers. What? It's true. And let me tell you, there is an {ABUNDANCE} of losers on eHarmony. Like big time.
Look, I haven't lied to you. I'm the most judgmental person I know. But I {HAVE} been trying to go easier on these guys. Is it my fault that they are schmucks?
The {Cock} Guy
This guys profile picture is of him standing in front of a sign that I can only assume says Cocktails. He blocked out the 'tails' part and is essentially standing under a sign that says {Cock}. Um. Douche-bag.
The {Dumb} Guy:
He couldn't spell {Halloween}. SPELL CHECK. We've already discussed this in an earlier post.
The {Sexually Knowledgeable} Guy: 
Buy a hooker.
The {Confused} Guy:
On his profile he says he wants kids. In his "Must Have, Can't Stands" he must have someone who supports his decision not to have kids. WHAT?
The {Teeth Matches Yellow Tie} Guy:
Ugh. Use a different photo?
The {Non-Smiling} Guy:
I understand it might not be "cool" to smile, but seriously, you look angry and pissed off. I'm terrified of you.
The {Hiker} Guy{s} - every other match:
UGH. Maybe it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest...but GROSS. You, in your fleece vest, hiking boots and khaki shorts - TURN. OFF. No offense.
Do I sound defeated? I am. But there is always tomorrow!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Feeling Petite

Ugh.
Today I was matched with two guys who are 5'5". Which really means 5'3". Right?
Look, I have no problem with guys who are short. I have guy friends who are short. The operative word being friends. A lot of guys who are short have the short man syndrome. Or the Napoleon Complex. Ugh. Exhausting.
Both of these guys requested communication with me! Am I being shallow for wanting to close them? Am I asking for too much? I'd like to be able to feel petite. Not large and in charge, like I'm going to crush my man.

Fact: Tom Cruise has short man syndrome.

Keith Urban cannot feel great about
himself in this photo.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle's First {eHarm} Date

Alright, ALRIGHT! I know you all have been DYING to know about my very first date set up by my good friend, eHarmony.
Here's how it all went down. I was matched with this guy. We'll call him {The Canadian}. Why? You guessed it. He's Canadian. I checked out his profile. He. Did. Not. Present. Well. He had three photos. He looked scared/shocked in all of them. He was wearing a shirt that reminded me of Jersey Shore...Gross.

Seattle ain't Jersey Shore yo.

I forgot to tell you one little thing about me. It's kind of important. Here goes. Hi. I'm Elle. I'm one of the most judgmental people that you'll ever meet. Remember how I told you earlier that I seeked out professional help during the break-up? Well, I'm still seeing her. We'll call her the {Voice of Reason}.  The {Voice of Reason} and I are working on me not being so judgmental. Her advice to me during this time in my life was to come up with a list of absolute 'can't stands', but then after that give everyone a chance who starts the communication process with me. We can talk about my absolute 'can't stands' another time.
So {The Canadian} did not present well online. His profile was semi-boring. He looked shocked and somewhat feminine in his photos. And he wrote like English might be his second language {poor grammar}.
However, when he started the communication process with me, I had the {Voice of Reason} in the back of my head and I decided to give him a chance. I did what any {girl} would do - and consulted with my friends on every communication that was exchanged between us.
Now, keep in mind, that I am new to the online dating world. {The Canadian} come to find out, is an old pro. He asked me for my number and all I could think about is -what a creep! What is he moving so fast?! {he wasn't...}. So again, I did what any {neurotic} girl would do and I made up a new email address that he couldn't trace to me - even if he hired a private detective. {Side Bar: Why did I make up a fake email address? My dating consultant and good friend, we'll call her {The Meow}, is a professional online stalker and she found {The Canadian's} facebook page, several of his family members facebook pages {hello Jersey Shore} and his blood type with just a few quick swipes on the keyboard. Her response to what she discovered? "This doesn't look like your crowd."}
After exchanging a few emails -via my fake email address- I finally grew a pair got up the nerve to give him my number on Sunday, February 13th - otherwise known as the day before Valentine's Day. He texted me that evening and asked if I had plans. I didn't. After going back and forth for a while -where he actually invite me to his house for dinner {I told him I already ate. I hadn't}- we finally decided to meet at my place at 9pm. Between that moment and 9pm I exchanged approximately 10,000 text messages with several friends. I. Was. Nervous.
Two of my favorite pieces of advise? 1. Take a shot. 2. Stand in front of the freezer {I sweat when I am nervous.}

Girls Best Friend. Pre-Date {and maybe Post-Date}

{The Canadian} arrived a few minutes before 9. We walked in the rain {he shared his umbrella} to Spur Gastropub to grab a few drinks. He was so much better in person! He was very well-spoken. He was actually good-looking {not shocked-looking}. There was no Jerseylicious shirt in site. And he had the most adorable Canadian accent.
Conversation came easy. He tried three different cocktails {'down' - google it} and I tried to be 'man-friendly' by ordering Stella Artois {Is that man-friendly?}. He referenced things from my profile and from our email exchanges. I did the same. He laughed about how it was creepy/weird that he invited me over for dinner. We were there until they shut the bar down. It was SO much better than the blind date of 2010. He slyly paid the bill {what a gentleman}. He walked me to my door. He texted me to make sure I made it up the elevator okay. He told me he had a great time. I wasn't sure how I felt about him, but I did have a great time.
And then two days later he told me he had a Valentine. What? Were you expecting that? I wasn't. But I had a great time and I am so glad I went! It was a great first experience to get back in the game. And I felt a sense of pride for getting out of my comfort zone.
What I learned:
A. Dating won't kill you, it will only make you {stronger}.
B. It's better to meet {in person} then to drag out the virtual dating.
C. Stock your freezer with {vodka} for a pre-date drink.
Please tell me there are other people out there who share my fear of dating {sweat much?}. And that there are other people who have had a fantastic first dates - that go nowhere. CHAWK-ward. But it makes for a great story. Right?
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Occupations

Gentlemen, If this is you, please take note.

Golf is not an occupation, unless you are Tiger Woods. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

This is hot, but it is not you.

Calling yourself a physician and posting a picture of yourself in your white coat is unfortunately not a turn on. It makes you look kind of douchey. Don't get me wrong, be proud that you are a physician! We believe you! But we don't need a visual.

This guy is cute. But he is a model.
And even he looks a little douchey.

xoxo, Elle

Elle's First {Blind} Date

How did I get here {testing my wits/paying for a dating service}? It all started last summer when {I pretended} I was ready to start dating. I went on my first {blind} date pre-eharmony.com. {And I lived to tell about it.}

My parents were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary {congrats to them!} and my siblings and I threw them a fabulous party to celebrate their big day.  I was designated photographer and got to mix and mingle with some interesting folks from my parents past and present. One older gentleman and I got to talking - and laughing - and he declared that he would love to set me up with his son. I figured I might as well take a chance, right?

We met after exchanging a few emails for happy hour at an adorable gastro-tavern called Black Bottle in the heart of our Seattle. He was SUCH a gentleman. But there were two things - {A}. I felt no chemistry. {B}. I was not ready to date {which is probably part of the reason why I felt no chemistry}.
He also had this going against him {it was one of the hottest days of the year...but I dressed smartly and wore a white t-shirt}:

Bless his heart.

Needless to say, I didn't end up going out with him again. I just wasn't feeling it and I decided I needed some more {Elle} time before diving back into the dating world. It was a pleasant and terrifying experience all at once and I'm glad I got back out there if only for a moment...but it wasn't my time...yet.

What I learned from my blind date:
A. Dating is hard {and scary}.
B. After a break-up the only way to know if you are ready to date again- is if you get back out there and try {it's okay if it turns out that you're not ready just yet}.
C. Dating can be a confidence booster {I suppose it can crush you too - but we won't focus on that}.
D. If you sweat a lot, you should wear a light colored t-shirt {and maybe bring a stick of deodorant}.

Have you been on a blind date before? What have you learned?

Trust me, if I did it. You can do it too.

Elle

Elle's Backstory

Hi! I'm Elle. My first {and only} boyfriend and I broke up a year and some change ago. We'd been together for almost five years, lived together for four and had a baby {dog} together. We loved each other - like best friends should - but we learned you need more then that to be together forever...

So we broke up. It was painful. There were {several} words exchanged. I cut my hair. I lost some weight. I bought new clothes. And I saved $10K in cash in 8 months. High five.

I grieved. I cried. I slept. I seeked help from a professional. I went on vacation. I ran a half marathon. I got a promotion. I started a cooking club. I went on a hilarious blind date. I reconnected with my best friends. I bought some new furniture {hello queen size pillow top}. I read "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken." {If you're going through a breakup, you should too}.

I've come out the other side. A better, stronger person. Triple high five. The x and I are still friends. We share our puppy. We are happy. 

I turned to my girlfriends and said 'whose ready to go meet some MEN?!" They looked at me - and then looked at their boyfriends/husbands. I thought - oh shit. While I was in a heavy duty, all encompassing relationship - my friends were enjoying their early/mid-twenties. And they were just now settling down. 

Was I bothered? No. I took my role as third wheel seriously. I love my friends. I love their boyfriends. I kept healing - and suddenly realized that yeah - I'm ready to date again. I sat down my girls - and announced I was ready. Set me up with your {male} friends por favor! They whipped out their cells. Reviewed their phone books. Nothing. Nada. Back to the drawing board.

It turns out the drawing board is a little website of the dating sort, {eHarmony.com}.

This is my story. Dating in the 21st century. I'm terrified. And excited. And if anything, I'm sure I'll get some great stories out of this adventure. Thanks for joining me on my ride!

Elle