Elle and {November} Rain

The other night {The Boyfriend} and I are sitting down for a nice chat. I’m not good with {awkward} silence, so sometimes I like to quiz him. Secretly I am preparing for my Bachelorette party when I am sure to be asked questions about him and our relationship in some sort of raunchy hen night game. He doesn’t need to know that though. Bahahaha. {PS Chill out, I’m totes kidding.}

Anyway – I ask him what his favorite song is. He hems and haws for a few minutes and comes up with November Rain – and then queues it up on his iTunes.

Do any of you relate songs to specific moments in your life? I do.

Why oh why I thought it would be a good idea to listen to music on the day that me and {The X} broke up is beyond me, but I will tell you that it did ruin a handful of songs for me…forever.

Have you ever been through a break up? In the month of November? And listened to some tunes – to get you through a tough time? No. Seriously. I swear to Gawd. This song. Came on. That day. And regardless of what the song is about – it SOUNDS sad. Am I right?

Holy shit did that bring me back to a different time in my life. I feel bad. {The Boyfriend} is sitting there all happy to be sharing his favorite song to me and I’m holding back tears? I didn’t quite expect to react that way. To have to physically remove myself from the room to let it finish playing. It’s been a long time since that day my friends! But still. I relate music to specific events/times in my life. And if you do too, then you know just what I mean. Something can hit you when you least expect it. And music was a big part of me and {The X's}life - so any song that came out between 2005-2010 will prolly trigger some sort of physical reaction from me.

As you all know, I’ve moved on. It’s not that I’m holding on to the past and me and {The X} are friends! But the song triggered the feelings of devastation, failure, uncertainty, sadness – and relief. The roller coaster of emotions that I felt for several months following that milestone moment in my life.

Everybody needs some time, on their own.

The lyrics that stand out to me are “Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.” Those feelings {devastation, failure, uncertainty, sadness} didn’t last forever – thank Gawd. I learned that while I may have been feeling those feelings at the time, my relationship with {The X} didn't fail. We were just meant to be friends. It hurt at the time, but really it was a second chance, a new beginning - for both of us!

So, moving forward when this song starts bumping at {The Boyfriend’s} house – and you know it’s going to because it’s his favorite! -, I’m going to spin it in a positive light. Power of positive thinking my friends!

xoxo,

Elle

Elle and a {Hiatus)

Dear Friends,

I have no excuse. Please forgive me for my blogging hiatus. The good news? I've got a lot to catch you up on. Lots. And lots.

Stick with me. I promise I won't leave you hanging so long this time around.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and Doing {Dishes} at {The Boyfriend's} House

{The Boyfriend} and I have been dating for a little over a month and a half now. He hasn't really discovered my crazy side yet {there's plenty of time for that} and I haven't discovered his. I'd like to keep him from discovering my {crazy} side until he's really locked in for the long haul. Keeping the {crazy} hidden is easy when you're never in the same city as each other...

Anyway, we've both been out of town so much that when we are actually both in the city of Seattle, we spend our time together. Doing fun things - like {not} cleaning our houses. Because of this, the dishes started piling up a little at {The Boyfriends} house {and mine}. I'm no stranger to getting behind on housework, so I'm not bothered by this too much.

On the first {and last} sunny Seattle day we decided to BBQ and make a yummy grilled chicken Caesar salad. Because my honey did all the hard work on the grill, I thought it would be nice of me to do the dishes. {All} of the dishes.

So after dinner I get right to work in the kitchen. I'm pretty familiar with things in a kitchen. Like plates. Silverware. Cups. The usual. I feel confident in my ability to load a dishwasher. I do a little pre-washing action and then load the dishes in the dishwasher where it make sense. I know plates usually go on the bottom and cups usually go on the top. You know. That kind of stuff. I've always been pretty good at Tetris. I may not be perfect, but I get the job done.

Piece of cake!

So, I'm working away in the kitchen. Not my favorite thing to do in the world, but I'll do it for {The Boyfriend}. You know, show him I appreciate him cooking and all that.

He comes into the kitchen.  And this is what I'm imagining happening in my head. --->The two of us. Throwing soap bubbles at each other and giggling. Making out. Snapping towels. You know. All happy and sappy and flirty and stuff.

Doing the dishes is so much fun!

Instead he tells me I loaded the dishwasher wrong.

Wait. What?

He says that 'these' plates go here and 'those' plates go there. The romantic comedy soundtrack playing in my head comes to a screeching halt. So he's saying that even those 'these' plates fit here, and 'those' plates fit there, they actually should be switched around? No 'hey Elle, thank you for doing the dishes!!? Kiss kiss.' No tossing soap bubbles? No giggling? No making out on the kitchen counter?

Lame. Sauce.

This boy...

It reminds me of when my dad told me {10} years ago that I was cutting tomatoes the wrong way whilst I was making dinner for my family. I didn't realize there was a right way...And yes. I still remember that. And no, I'll never forget it.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Baby Girl}

Back in 2008, {The X} and I adopted the sweetest little puppy in the entire world. We'll call her {The Baby Girl}. You know how unhappily married couples sometimes try to fix their marriage by having a child? Just sayin.

As you all know {The X} and I broke up {that was so much fun}. {But} I know we both are thankful that we got {The Baby Girl} out of our relationship. Spoken like true parents who love their child - despite not being in love with each other any more. What can I say?

{The X} and I both love {The Baby Girl} so much that neither of us could stand to part with her full time. We worked out a little shared custody deal that allowed us both to continue to be a part of her life and went along our merry way.

{The Baby Girl} is Ah-dorable. She has a fantastic personality and really is the sweetest thing. But she is also judgmental. And doesn't like socializing in large groups. And she generally hates most people.

Because of this, I've never introduced {The Baby Girl} to any new 'dudes.' I realized both she and I didn't need that emotional distress, unless the 'dude' was going to be around for the long run.

After dating and then locking down {The Boyfriend}, I decided it was time for the {The Baby Girl} and him to meet. One of the first things I said to {The Boyfriend} on our very first date was that if my dog doesn't like you, then I don't like you. {Seriously, you can ask him.} I can't really have the two of them at odds. That just wouldn't work - know what I mean?

Puppies are a girls best friend.

I decided the introduction should happen on {The Baby Girls} turf. That way she was comfortable and had one less thing to think about.

{The Boyfriend} came over {looking all cute by the way} after work. I had given {The Baby Girl} a pep talk about the importance of giving people fair chances and being non-judgmental. She just glared at me and ate her dinner. When he walked in the door, she did her little barking thing {she hates when people knock}, gave him a good sniff test...and fell in love.

WTF?

I thought she would at least play hard to get. But she always has been a sucker for a man with facial hair.

To add insult to injury when we climbed into bed later that evening, she chose to curl up in his nook not mine. And then he chose to spoon her, not me. It's like they didn't even know I was there.

Is there room for a third in there?

At least it went well, right? Hopefully they let me hang out with the two of them in the future...

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Boyfriends} First Birthday

So {The Boyfriend} and I had our first date at the beginning of April. I decided I didn't want to share his goodies with other girls towards the end of April. Next big date? My birthday...

What's more awkward then introducing your new BF to your friends? Introducing you new BF to your friends on your birthday week{end}. {The Boyfriend} and I are still just getting to know each other. He doesn't know yet that my birthday is a national week long holiday. I don't know how to tell him without sounding like a psycho crazy birthday celebrating bitch. How is he going to succeed if I'm not setting him up for success? How is this relationship going to succeed if he doesn't recognize the importance of my {birth}day/week?

I dropped some {subtle} hints that he should take charge of plans for my actual birthday. My instructions were simple - I just wanted to spend time with him.

Take charge, he did.

{The Boyfriend} planned a romantic evening for two at Teatro Zinzani. Complete with preferred seating, wine pairing, a kick ass show and even a slow dance for the birthday girl {me}.  We dressed all fancy and he even got into the spirit of things and sported bowler hat for the evening. A-dor-a-ble.

I gotta admit, it was one of my favorite birthdays of all time. I'm not sure how he's planning on topping it next year, but don't worry, I do have a couple of ideas.

Tropical Getaway?

And if that's expecting too much:

You can't go wrong with a gift
that comes in a little blue box.
Am I right?

What? My birthday a national holiday. And should be celebrated accordingly.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Friends}

There comes a time in every relationship when the {new} boyfriend meets your friends. Why? Why oh why does this make me so nervous? I'm more nervous about {The Boyfriend} meeting my friends than my family.

I've met a handful of {The Boyfriends} friends already and knew it was time for him to meet mine. With my Birthday Week {yes, I said Birthday Week} right around the corner, I thought it would be the perfect time for introductions. Get 'em all done at one time.

Long ago, I decided that 28 was going to be 'my' year. Why? I love even numbers. 8 is my favorite number. 2 is my second favorite number. And I don't want 82 to be 'my' year. That's just too long to wait.

I decided I needed to start my 28th year off with a bang, so I reserved the top floor at Belltown Pub in Seattle. Shuffleboard, pool, foosball, friends, food, presents and good company. What more could a {girl} ask for?

After announcing to my friends that {The Boyfriend} was going to make an appearance at my party, it should come as no surprise to anyone when I tell you that this birthday was my most well attended birthday since my 21 run. {THAT was a good birthday...odd number and all.} Thanks friends...

It's really important to me that {The Boyfriend} like my friends and vice versa. My friends really liked {The X} a lot and he liked them back. We share a long history of making stupid decisions and sharing a lot laughs together. As much as they liked each other, we spent most of our time with {The X's} friends. Which made me miss my friends. And I'm not doing that this time around. My hope is that they'll like {The Boyfriend} just as much as they liked {The X}...{If not more}. And that he will like them back too.

{The Boyfriend} arrived fashionably late. Not because he's hip...but because he was celebrating his father's 70th birthday. The problem with him being late was that I only got more nervous {I didn't know when he was going to show} and it allowed me plenty of time to get my drink on.

I don't date hip dudes.

I don't always make smart decisions when I'm drinking. I'm human after all. And while my memory is hazy of the evenings events, it seems as though the introduction went off without a hitch. Hooray!

Shit. That means next up is meeting the parents. Maybe I am more nervous about that then I thought...

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {his} Ex

I returned to Seattle after spending the week with my family in Bellingham. {The Boyfriend} and I spent the day in the sunshine at Golden Gardens.

Aren't our feet cute?

He packed the cutest little picnic of oranges, goldfish and sandwiches. He doesn't know that I don't like sandwich meat. I ate the sandwich. Meat and all. Now he thinks I like sandwich meat. {Shit.} This could mean a lifetime of gagging silently while eating sandwiches. Somehow, some way, I'll have to steer him away from making meat sandwiches in the future. This doesn't look promising for me. {Side Note: The sandwich was bearable. Maybe I need to give sandwich meat another try?}

The next day was his neighbor’s birthday party. They were celebrating with cupcakes and wine. Did I want to go? Hell yeah. I love me some cupcakes. Oh. And I like {The Boyfriend} and wine too.

So we head on over to the neighbor’s house. And I'm reminded how much I hate love meeting new people. Luckily his neighbors seem like a great group of people. And I like that he is friends with them. It's like a cute little {secret} community.

{The Boyfriend} made sure to introduce me to people. And more importantly he made sure my wine glass was always full {he's so sweet}. Then {this} girl stomps in. Other than the fact that she had way too much mousse in her hair {it's not 1990 anymore my friends}, I thought nothing of her. And since {The Boyfriend} had a blank look on his face, I figured he didn't know her. So I continued on my merry way, socializing up a storm. {And by socializing, I mean clinging to {The Boyfriends} side. Love, love meeting new people.}

Do people still use this?

A few minutes later {The Boyfriend} pulls me aside and says, 'oh, hey. that's my x. you know. the one that lived with me for the greater part of her adult life. that's why i didn't introduce you to her.' Say what?! I slap him.

No, no. Don't worry, I only mentally slapped him.

Seriously. Gentlemen. Take note. They're called "details." And they're important. If you're taking me to a party where your {x} might show up. It might be a good idea to give me a heads up. Why you ask? It just is. And really, that's all you need to know.

Write that down. That was your {free} lesson for today.

What did I learn you ask? If {The Boyfriend} has a blank look on his face, he's actually thinking 'oh, shit.'

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and a {New} Name

{The Bus Rider} and I 'defined our relationship.' Whether he wanted to or not. {I win}. So I've decided to give him a new name!

Everybody, meet...{The Boyfriend}! Yay. Here are some fun facts about him. 

1. He smells real nice.
2. He makes delicious guacamole.
3. He does not like soda very much.
4. He does like beer and 'good' tequila.
5. Sometimes he interrupts me when I am talking. And he says or asks something completely off topic.
6. I like his body {and his brain}.
7. Sometimes he has to wear a pager.
8. He does not have a peg leg.
9. He likes to water ski.
10. He does not like to lose.
11. He is {very} handsome.

You wish he was your boyfriend too. But he's not. He's mine. So there.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Defining the Relationship}

Things are going well with {The Bus Rider}. So well in fact, that I decide I don't want him seeing anyone else. Which means that I can't see anyone else. Holy shit. I wasn't expecting that to happen so fast.

I wouldn't feel the need to talk about it with him, but I don't want him skanking all over town giving away the good stuff to just anyone. I want it all to myself. I keep checking OkCupid so I can see the last time that he logged in. It's not every day, but it's enough where it's keeping me guessing. I'm hoping that he's just logging in to see if I have been logging in. What a mess. 

I can't seem to get a read on this guy. And my job is reading people all day. So that's awesome.

Anyway, I feel like I need to say something. After I returned from Portland, he left for 'Bama. And the day he returned from 'Bama, I was leaving for Bellingham. Seriously. Can we somehow manage to be in the same city for more then a few days at a time? Guess not.

I decided that something needed to be said. And I've found that guys are {pansies} when it comes to 'talks' like this. So I knew if something was going to be said, it was going to have to be said by me. And I didn't want him going on dates with some other OkCupid floozies while I was out of town, so I knew it had to be said tonight. {Ugh.}

Have I mentioned that I'm awkward? I bet y'all can tell that this is going to go well...

I decide I just need to get it over with. The second I see him. {After I hear about his trip of course.}

So we go to dinner. I chicken out.

We go on a walk. I chicken out.

We go back to his place. We watch some TV. And when I say we, I mean he watches TV...all I'm thinking about is how do I start this conversation? Isn't this what scares dudes away?

I chicken out...again. {Chicks are cute though, right?}

In my defense, I've been out of the game for six years. Yes. Six. Sure I went on some dates. I met some {weird} guys. But not one {weirdo} that I was interested in seeing...exclusively.

And what the fuck do you call it these days? There's dating and dating {I see dating and dating as two separate things. Am I right?}. There's hooking up, hanging out, seeing each other, seeing each other exclusively, boyfriend, man-friend, in a relationship, in an exclusive relationship, friends {my mom introduces all my siblings and my significant others as friends - 'This is Elle's friend, {The Ex}'...thanks Mom}. There's friends with benefits, seeing where it goes, kicking it. The list goes on. And on. And on.

In the end, I decide I want to see him. Exclusively. {In other words, you're my boyfriend. But I won't use that word so as not to scare you away. Sucker!}. I hope he's on board with it. And unfortunately there is only one way for me to find out. Time to man-up!

The TV show comes to an end. And I realize it's now or never {and by never I mean next week. But I want to lock this down.} And I'm {not} having this conversation in the bedroom. I want him to pay attention to what I'm saying. Know what I mean?

Sooooo. I tell him I have something I want to talk to him about. He looks terrified. Shit. This isn't going the way I planned. {Good work, Elle!}. I slip him this piece of paper.

Please don't check no.

Okay, I wish I had slipped him that note. That would have been rad.

I can only imagine how awkward I was. It makes me cringe to think about it. Like watching Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Seriously. No. Seriously. 

Train Wreck.

What do I say to him you ask? I ask him if he is seeing anyone else. He turns the question back on me. And I answer???? {WTF - Is he some sort of word ninja? If I'm the one doing the asking, then shouldn't he have to be the one who answers first?!}

Anyway, the {Word Ninja} finally responds after I lay my heart on the line. Hooray! He's not seeing anyone else! It turns out he was logging into his OkCupid account to see if I was logging in. Oh the joys of online dating! {Meant. To. Be. Right?!} So now when someone asks me about my dating life...I can say I'm seeing someone...exclusively. Right?

Wait, does this mean I need a new tag line on my blog? Well, shit.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Facts}

Couple of things:

1. My eHarmony subscription ends today. What a ride. Fact: After {The Dreaded Friend Match}, I'm definitely going to let it lapse.

2. My OkCupid account is still active. I'm still talking to a few guys, but I think my interest lies elsewhere. Is it too soon to be thinking that? Fact: I'm new to this game.

3. {The Engineer} is still texting me. I haven't responded in a few weeks. When I stopped responding we'd been communicating for over a month and he still hasn't asked me on a date? Fact: I'm not looking for a pen pal buddy. 

But I'm not paying eHarmony to find me one...

4. In the same week {but different days}, {The Bus Rider} headed to California for a work thing and I headed to Portland with my girlies. I had a great time with the girls, {I always do}, but my heart went pitter-patter at the thought of spending time with him again. Fact: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

5. I forgot how much effort it takes to pack a shack pack. Fact: Shacking up in college was easier when you could do the walk of shame instead of the bus ride of shame.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Wine}

After I passed {The Bus Rider's} 'normally off-limit questions test' on our second date, he invited me to attend a wine party that his high school buddy was hosting on Saturday night.

As Saturday approached, I started freaking out a little. Last time I saw this guy, I was a little tipsy. And my mouth was all over his. Like all over. {Oh God, were they sloppy kisses?} I've always had a boyfriend. I've never been 'dating' someone, much less multiple people at once. If I'm kissing {The Bus Rider}, am I allowed to be kissing other guys? Talking to other guys? Seriously? How does this work?

Welp, I figure I'll find out.

He swings by right on time and opens the car door for me {Swoon. Seriously gentlemen, take note. Open a door for us, we're clay in your hands.}

I've never been one who particularly enjoys meeting new people, but needless to say the evening was fun.

When the party ended we headed across the street to Gasworks Park to lay under the stars {and suck face for a while. What? It's true.}

Want to?

As we headed back to the car he asked if I wanted him to drop me off at my place or head over to his. And I'm sorry, but you'll never know how I replied. ;-)

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Drunk Texting}

Alright. By the time Friday rolled around, I was exhausted. After getting a mere minutes of sleep on Wednesday night, Thursday was a wash and by the time Friday arrived, I was ready for the weekend.

I started throwin back brewskies at 3 at the monthly party at my place of business. By 4 I was ready for happy hour. I grabbed some of the girls from work and we headed across the street to Blush {I don't recommend...} for a liquid dinner.

Awwwhhh. {Liquid Courage}. Such a beautiful thing. After tossing back some more of the good stuff and some encouragement from my happy hour buddies, I send {The Bus Rider} a text message. 

Without liquid courage, I'm not sure I'd have any courage at all...

He ends up meeting up with us and soon after my friends take off {rude, but at the same time, I'm kinda glad they did.} The evening ends up somewhat similarly to our last night. Only this time we ride the bus home...together? You'll never know.

 This counts as our third date, right?

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {PDA}

I left off with telling y'all about my hot date at the zoo with {The Dutch Guy}. We had a great time, but come Monday I found out he had some x-girlfriend drama that I just didn't want to get involved in. Ugh. The older we get the more baggage we have. Rad.

After the completely awkward end of my date with {The Bus Rider}, I was surprised but excited when he asked if we could meet for happy hour later this week. This guy doesn't mess around. I have to admit I'm intrigued because he appears to be looking past my complete awkward and uncomfortableness. How is this possible? I distract myself with my awkwardness...how is {HE} looking past it?

This is what the end of our first date looked like.
Seriously...

I digress. He offered to meet me in my neighborhood this time {cute}. I figured I'd take him to the spot where I've dragged many of my other dates - Spur.

Wednesday roles around and I happen to have a pretty crappy-ass day at work. I'm running late. It's raining. By the time I get to my house to quickly freshen up, he's already at the bar and probably annoyed with me that I'm running late. Which makes me sweat. Which is attractive. So that's awesome.

Spur is pretty packed for a Wednesday but we snag a table. I had eaten a late lunch, and decided I'd get right to the hard stuff...if you consider red wine hard...he ordered gnocchi {and pronounced the "G"{cute}} and some sort of fancy man drink {a Manhattan?}. He gobbled down his meal like he hadn't eaten in days. {Bless his heart}.

We settled in and the conversation came easy. He lead the conversation, which I appreciate. I hate having to feel like I am working so hard. He dives right into some topics "you typically avoid on the first few dates." Religion & Politics. This made me giggle on the inside. We seem to be on the same page. However, I try to push the conversation elsewhere. I don't really know him, and I'm not sure if these are topics that he'll get all worked up about. I don't want tears or yelling on our second date...Right?

The next thing I know a few hours have passed. I look down and realize he's holding my hand. After being in a relationship for five years with {The X} - where we rarely touched in public - this feels different. But it feels okay. I realize I am a little tipsy. And by a little I mean a lot. He's sitting across the table from me and says he feels far away. He asks if he can come sit next to me, and I laugh on the inside. I know, I just know, that he is thinking of me sitting 3 miles away from him in his living room on our first date.

He moves to my side of the table where I decide I should come clean about the bus ride. I think I kinda freaked him out by alluding to the fact that I knew him a little better then he knew me. After I finally told the whole story, he seemed a little relieved and found it funny. I thought to my {tipsy} self, well Elle, this is a good sign.

I can tell he's about to kiss me but he's so adorable that he asks without really asking. This is of course {too} cute. But it also makes me sweat. I don't want our first kiss to be at Spur! But it happens and it's nice. And I think to myself, this guy is kind of adorable.

Spur ends up closing at 11, so we head across the street to the Bath Tub Gin Co. We arrive at the Bath Tub Gin and cozy up into a corner. I'm sucking face with this guy. In a bar. At 11pm. On a school night. {What, you weren't expecting me to write that?} Who is this girl, I keep thinking? I don't do this on second dates, much less in public! Well, whoever she is, I decide I like her.  And I decide I like like this guy whose bringing this girl out in me.

{The Bus Rider} keeps trying to end the date back at my place. He's a little broken-hearted because I told him that I don't particularly enjoy dancing. He tells me we should close the tab, head back to my place, turn on some music and dance. I can't help but think the dance he's thinking of is the horizontal mambo. Sorry {Bus Rider}, that just ain't gonna happen on the second date ;-). Luckily I planned ahead. I knew that if I got tipsy, my inhibitions would be lowered and I might be prone to making decisions that I wouldn't normally make in this kind of a situation. I purposefully left my home a bit of a mess, so we couldn't 'end up at my place' at the end of the evening doing a second date version of the horizontal mambo. Internet high-five!

He may not want to high-five over this,
but I'm a lady, and I do!

We end up shutting down the Bath Tub Gin Co., and he walks me home to my place. He hails a cab and we do a little more kissing against it for a healthy handful of minutes. I'm cracking up on the inside. I realize it took us nearly 30 minutes to walk two and a half blocks. Wow. What were we doing on that short walk home? I tell him my chin is red/raw and he apologizes. He tells me he thinks I'm cute, and I quickly forget about my red/raw chin.

I'm not ready to close my OkCupid account, but as I'm getting ready for bed I think to myself, yeah, I kinda like this guy.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dutch Guy}

As ya'll know I signed up for okcupid.com since eHarmony failed me with {The Dreaded Friend} Match and I decided paying to meet me some men {husband candidates} wasn't jiving with my {Elle} style.

So I met {The Bus Rider} and we had a lovely little adventure together that commenced with me listening to him recount our date to his buddy on King County Metro Bus #26. Good times were had by all.

In true Elle style, I never put all my eggs in one basket and I had another date lined up that weekend with an okcupid match.

{The Dutch Guy} and I had been talking for several weeks by now but we hadn't had a chance to meet up due to scheduling conflicts. One thing that I thought was especially nice about him was that he wanted to talk on the phone before we met. He insisted. I was terrified, as I barely talk on the phone with my family and think that all phone conversations are horribly awkward. Especially with people you've never met. But we had a great rapport via email and texting and I wasn't going to let one little phone conversation get in the way of meeting this man.

He called me on a Thursday and the phone conversation went fine. Better then fine actually. We talked for about an hour but it only felt like five minutes. This is good right?

He suggested we meet in person. At the zoo.

Every person I consulted with thought this was particularly odd except for me and my good friend {The Meow}. I can always count on {The Meow} to be supportive.

{The Dutch Guy} offered to pick me up which I thought was very sweet, but I thought it would be better to bus it...that way I didn't feel trapped.

My bus arrived at the zoo and there he was waiting for me at the bus stop. How. Sweet. Is. That? He had gotten there early and already bought me a ticket, so there was no awkwardness when it came to paying/entering. But seeing him wait for me at the bus stop made my heart go pitter-patter. This guy is a gentleman, right?

Nine points for {The Dutch Guy}.

The zoo turned out to be one of the very best date spots so far. Conversation came very easy. There were no awkward silences. And if there was ever a lull in conversation, we talked about the animals. I told him a few "must sees" for me and he made sure we spent a lot of time at my favorite exhibits.
We spent several hours at the zoo and went back to my favorite exhibit twice {The Penguins in case you were wondering}. He was the appropriate amount of funny/interesting. And opened every door for me. This guy has class. I. Was. Hooked.

The very sweetest part of our date included a picnic at the end. {The Dutch Guy} had recently been back to Holland to visit his parents and had brought back an entire suitcase full of Dutch treats. He brought a sampling of his favorites on our date and he told me about each of them while we tasted. It was very neat to see his eyes light up as he talked about his home, his favorite food and his family. He asked several questions about me, my family and my life. It was such a relief to be on a date with a guy who took the lead.

We reluctantly realized our date was coming to an end. He drove me home and I got to learn more about another interest of his - racing cars. As he drove me home, he told me he could drop me off a few blocks from my place if I didn't want to tell him where I lived. We had a good chuckle over that.
When we arrived at my place, he told me to hold on for a second - he hopped out of the car and ran around to open my door.

He asked if he could see me again which made my heart pitter-patter again. I realized that this is what a first date is supposed to feel like. I felt a real connection with him and silently celebrated inside my head.

We parted ways with promises to see each other soon. And he sent me a few adorable text  messages later that night.Success! I felt really good about my first two dates from okcupid and couldn't wait to see what would happen next!

I was thrilled that the zoo date had turned out so magical and perfect. I realized it was easier to relax and enjoy myself with distractions. Rather then guzzling cocktails/brewskis and awkwardly looking {I am probably glaring} at each other from across a table. I found it interesting that both guys from okcupid had suggested a similar date - but then I realized that they had been at this longer than me and are probably experts at wooing innocent ladies such as myself.

Happy Virtual Dating!

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Bus Rider} Round II

I left off last time telling you about my date with {The Bus Rider}. Now you get to learn how he got his name.

After parting ways at his corner {like a first class whore - but not really}, I immediately dial my good friend {The Meow} to go over the entire date. I recount everything and she can't help but laugh at me. She tells me he seems very sweet and that I should get together with him again. She talks me off the ledge regarding the touching and tells me her husband was very similar. I decide to text him and thank him for a lovely time. Even though I sent horribly mixed signals, he responds by asking to meet up for happy hour later in the week. I'm definitely excited about that. Glad to meet someone who can look past my awkwardness.

{The Meow} and I get off the phone. I do a little shopping. And then my friend {The Doctor} calls. She worked the night shift the night before and is a little late in waking up. She asks me to catch the bus to her place {She lives in Wallingford} and says she'll shower up and then we can head to U Village.

I hop on the bus and sit towards the front. I'm on the phone with {The Doctor} - she is explaining to me where to get off. As I hang up the phone we are pulling up to a stop - and I hear a familiar voice. I see a familiar jacket. And hat.

Holy Shit.

My date - who I ran away from just over an hour ago - is getting on the bus.

Missed connection on King County Metro

Hello worst nightmare. What the fuck do I do? He {literally} steps over my Ugg and walks right past me and greets his friend.

Oh wait. No. {This} is my worst nightmare. He is {literally} sitting two feet away from me. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I'm pulling my hair in front of my face. I'm laughing hysterically on the inside. So hard that I am crying. I'm thinking - you can't make this shit up. This would {only} happen to me.
Wait. It gets better.

He starts telling his friend about our date. I'm {literally} listening to him recount his version of our first date. And, he's different. More confident. More at ease. I kinda like this side of him. And he's being very kind. If the tables were turned - who knows what I would be saying. I think you all can imagine what {Judgmental Elle} would have to say.

I decide I need to get the fuck of this bus. But I don't want to pull the ringer - for fear that I will draw attention to myself. I wait for someone else to pull the ringer. And practically {run} off the bus. Where I hysterically laugh for ten minutes. Oh, and sweat of course. Seriously. This shit would only happen to me.

Where am I? No seriously. I just got off the bus. And I don't know where I am.

xoxo, Elle

Elle and {The Bus Rider}

Yes. It's true. I've been MIA. Again. But you would be too if this had happened to you.

I signed up for OkCupid because eHarmony has been lacking in quality matches. I lined up two dates pretty quickly. One with {The Dutch Boy} and one with {The Bus Rider}. Juggling all these boys is exhausting. Seriously.

Anyway, {The Bus Rider} lives in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle. We communicated a bit through OkCupid and I gave him my number. He asked if I want to meet up for dinner, drinks, a walk whatever. A. He royally {sucks} at texting. He takes hours, if not a few days to respond. B. He likes to dance {or so he says from his profile}. These are two things that annoy me. But I push on.
In the meantime, I'm talking with {The Dutch Boy} and eagerly awaiting our date to the {ZOO}.

Perfect.

So I meet {The Bus Rider} on a Saturday - after running 8 miles. Whose idea was it to walk around Capitol Hill after that? Oh yeah, it was his. I ride the bus up to Cap Hill and get off at the wrong spot. Dates off to a good start, right? He meets me on the street. First impression? His jacket isn't buttoned, and it appears to be flowing in the wind. I detect what I think is a limp, and I'm curious to find out if he has a fake leg. Not sure why, I go straight to that conclusion, but remember? I'm judgmental.

After our date, this is how I remember him looking.

We walk around. And my legs are killing me. Like killing me. I keep peeking around each corner looking for a wheelchair.

We go to Starbucks, where he opens the door. For himself. Not me. But he does treat. So I can't complain right? He makes fun of me for ordering iced coffee. And I later regret my choice, when I realize it's three degrees outside. And raining.

We continue on our walk and he brings me up to the water tower at Volunteer Park. It's actually kind of romantic. Did I mention I had to walk up like 100 stairs? And my legs/knees were {killing} me?
Next stop? The Greenhouse. I tell him about nearly killing the plant my Mom gave him. He's not impressed. He buys me a cactus and buys himself one too. I think it's kinda sweet. We continue on our walk and it starts pouring rain.

{And}

He invites me back to his place to get out of the rain and for some {tea}. {What is it with guys and tea with me?!}

Holy shit. How do I say no to this, without letting him know that I am totally creeped out. This is how people get killed, right? I'm gripping my phone. Not sure what to say. And then I hear myself say {sure}. What the fuck?! Who said that? The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that my friend, {The Doctor}, was expecting to see me around dinner time.

We go back to his place and he legitimately seems to be making tea. {I'm keeping my eye on him though.} His place is cute/clean. Turns out his mom helped him decorate {phew}. He turns on the fire place and I'm holding my hands in front of it. He touches my hands. I freak out.
I find a way to pull them away. He does it again. Fuck.

The tea kettle starts whistling, so he gets distracted. I decide to put some distance between the two of us and look out his balcony. The next thing I know he shows up behind me. And then he puts his arm around me. Fuck! I tense up and pull a Macgyver like move to get away from him. I plant my booty firmly at his dining room table and distract myself with some catalogs.

He asks if I'd like to move to the couch. I promise it's not as creepy as I'm making it sound. But I was still freaked out. He sits on one couch and I sit on the other. I wave to him. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I so awkward?

Eventually he decides to use the restroom. So I do too. I tell him I'm meeting a friend in Belltown for dinner and need to get going. He offers to walk me to the bus and I decline {Hi, remember? I'm awkward. What if he tries to touch me again?} He ends up walking me to the corner, where I run away from him.

This isn't where our story ends.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dreaded Friend} Match

Yep. Yep. Yeppers.
This day was bound to come. The day when I discovered Seattle isn't such a big city after all.
Here I am in eHarmony heaven. Minding my own beeswax. Meeting some hotties. Meeting some...creepers. But hey, this is what dating is all about! So far it's been easy to keep my 'real' world separate from my "Elle" world.
My friends, the real world and Elle's world officially collided on March 13, 2011. Luckily, I was drunk.

Booze is necessary when two worlds collide.

For those of you familiar with eHarmony online, you know that when you are on your match page, you see the persons name and age but no picture. Like so:

eHarmony FAIL. Show us a thumbnail photo please!

This poses a problem. Why? Because you can't do a quick scan of the photo before opening them. Why is this important? Because when you open their profile, they can see that you viewed them. Are you catching what I'm throwing? Good.
Luckily, eHarmony joined the 21st century and has an iPhone app! Hello! Dating on the go! On the iPhone app you CAN see a small thumbnail photo of the people you are matched with. Luckily, I'm a tech savvy gal and use the iPhone app.
Anyways. As we previously discussed, every morning I wake up to an email with my matches signed, sealed, delivered just for me. I log in, judge and date. WELL. Luckily, on the day of The {Dreaded Friend} match I ran in the St. Patty's Day match. Which means I had to wake up early. Which means I didn't do my dating first thing in the AM.
Which means that after the race and the boozing, when I finally got around to checking my matches for the day on my phone, I was in a much better place to accept being matched with this {'Friend'}. Let me be clear when I say {'Friend'}, I mean {The X-BF}'s good friend. {FUCK}.
Yep. You read that right. I could just picture the two of them giggling like school girls over my profile. Oh wait. That's what I would do. Not what guys would do. Right? Right?!
After I sobered up, I had a minor freak out. I mean, this was my worst fucking nightmare. Not only the fact that he is {The X-BF's} good friend, BUT. BIG BUT. This guys is HOPELESS. He is the Northwest Profile #56. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

Some girls dig this. I don't.

Elle is not the type to date {Sandals and Socks Guy}. So not only am I mortified that I've been matched with {The X-BF}'s good friend, BUT out off all of his friends they match me with him. What the fuck?! eHarmony {FAIL}.
Anyway. I decided to take the power away from {Sandals and Socks Guy}. I look at his profile for one flat second. And close him.
Three days later, I cancel my eHarmony account. Don't worry, it's good until April 18. And then I'll be on okCupid full time!
How could eHarmony fix this? It's simple in my opinion. Let us users select names of people that we never want to be matched with. I mean come on!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Creeper}

It was bound to happen.

So far my online dating experience has been pleasant. I'd say I've been pretty lucky. Plenty of {geeks}, which I like and no {creeps}.

Weeeeeelllll. We all knew that wasn't going to last forever right?

Once again, I make it through the guided communication with another potential match. We email back and forth once or twice and he asks for my number. He seems normal. He seems nice. I think to myself, why not? I give him my digits and he sends me a text.

Side note: One of my {BIGGEST} pet peeves is shortening words in text messages or in online communication. I don't know why. But it {bothers} me. Big time. If you do this and you are my friend or family member, it's okay. I still love you. But if you are trying to woo me or get me into bed, don't be lazy. If you're too lazy to type out the word "you", I don't want to think about how lazy you are when it comes to other things in your life.

Don't be a cnt. You are better then that.

So he says, "hi, how r u?" And I think to myself, 'Elle, stop the judging. Answer back. Maybe he doesn't have a smart phone.'

Then I think to myself, 'But Elle, do you really want to date some loser who hasn't yet joined the 21st century and bought a smart phone?'

Anyway, I decide to look past his text speak and say something witty I'm sure. He says something else. I respond.

Then he asks me what size my bed is. Wait. What? How did we get from 'how r u', to what size is your bed? Did I miss something here? No, dear readers. I did not. Next question? 'Can I tuck you in?'

Is he trying to start up some kinky phone sex with me? Does he think this is hot? Time to stop texting with {The Creeper}.

But wait. Will he get the hint? Nope. Every day since then, he has texted me "hi, how was ur day?" So. I did what any online dater would do, and I closed him online. His response? 'hi elle, it's {The Creeper}, how r u?"

Ugh. Today is the first day I haven't heard from him. Trust me, I firmly believe that you should tell someone when you are not interested in them. But - he made me feel dirty. I even deleted the thread of messages. And before you call me a {prude} AND {rude} (which I am), it's not that he went to far. I just didn't like the direction he was going...after two text messages.

Elle's Self Potrait

Best of luck to {The Creeper}. There's gotta be a lady out there for him somewhere. I mean there's someone out there for everyone right?

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {OkCupid}

Y'all. I've been slacking on the blog posting. You would too. This online dating thing can be exhausting. 

Recap. Talked to my friend {The Professor}. Heard his hilarious story about online dating. Told all of you. Signed up for okcupid myself annnnnnddddd...

I'm talking to some guys. Managing two online dating accounts is tough! Things weren't looking too hot on okcupid for a while.

One of the first guys that emailed me was wearing thick. black. eyeliner. And had long black hair. He had this whole email crafted about who he is and what he does. His pictures looked eerie - like hey, I'm a Satan Worshiper. Or a vampire. But not in an {Edward Cullen} kind of way.

He goes on and on and finishes by saying that he thinks we would be a perfect match. If you're not familiar with okcupid, the website gives you percentages of your likelihood of being a match.

Ours was 3%.

Honestly. 

Another guy winked at me. He said, "I like your cloak." I'm simply wearing a jacket in my photo. Not a cloak. He appears to be wearing a cloak in one of his photos. No thanks. While I'd never turn down the opportunity to attend {Hogwarts}, I know in my heart of hearts that it's not a real place. And I'm not interested in dating someone who might think it is.

I'm not throwing in the towel yet!

Happy Virtual Dating!
Elle

Elle and {The Professor}

So I'm talking to my friend this weekend - we'll call him {The Professor}. He's one of my older and wiser friends. I tell him I signed up for online dating - and it turns out he did too.

On Friday I met up with another friend, we'll call her {The Towel Bar}, and she asked me why on earth I was paying for online dating when I could try www.okCupid.com. It got me thinking. So I decide to give it a whirl.


Back to {The Professor}. He's been living in Pawnee, IN for the past two years. Population seven. So he gave oKCupid a try to see if he could meet one of the two hotties living in his town.

Side note: I find out his user name on the cupid and give him mine. We are 80% compatible. 56% friend. 10% enemy. Wait. What? Next time we are in the same state, we'll most likely hook up, just to ruin our friendship! We are so compatible! Who knew! I kid. I kid.

So anyways, I ask him how online dating is treating him and tell him about the freaks and keepers I've met so far. And then he tells me this story.

He met this one girl online. She looks cute. Seems nice. He decides to meet up with her. She shows up. And she's the size of a house. He thinks to himself. WTF? There's nothing wrong with being a little porky - he lives in the Midwest after all. But that's just false advertising. Right?

Did I mention {The Professor's} body type is skinny? Like a stick. And since I've known him, there has {ALWAYS} been a large girl going after his heart {trying to fatten him up I assume}.

So he gets to thinking about his luck with the ladies. He's thinking to himself, why do all the heavies try to snatch me up? And he comes to this conclusion. He says to me, "Elle, this one time I was at church camp and a heavy girl and I got sinful. This must be why God is punishing me."

I fell off my bed I was laughing so hard. One other thing you should know about {The Professor} is that there ain't no God in his world. So the fact that he came to this conclusion is huge {like a house}.

To be clear, he's not against a heavy. Heck, he'd even love one, if there was a spark. But so far. No spark.
It took some convincing from him, that I wasn't one of those gals that showed up looking like a house compared to my photos. I don't want to be one of those false advertisers!

We found each other on OkCupid and dissected each others profiles. We rated each other five stars and gave each other {an award}. We discovered we live 2007 miles apart. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to hook up. {He hasn't answered yet. Rude!} And I continued laughing hysterically over his story.  

mmm. Maybe he should give her a chance?

The moral of this story? Online dating is hilarious.

Oh and don't get sinful at church camp, unless it's with a hottie.

Lastly, post a realistic, current photo of you. You don't want to be the subject of a story like this!!

PS {The Professor} is still single and quite the catch I might add, if you're looking!

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Dentist} Part II

Okay. So last time we left off, I was telling you about {The Dentist}. We decided to meet up on Thursday. Since he lives in Seattle...and works in Tacoma, we met at 8pm at Spur Gastropub. Uh oh. I sense a pattern here. This is where I've dragged two out of three dates. Here's what I decided. I'll soon become a regular here. And when I arrive with some freak, the bartender can rescue me. Problem solved. But anyway, back to my date.
He's late. Do we have to go through this again? This time I made sure my phone was NOT on silent. I'm sweating in my chair...so I do something very un-Elle like and crack open a bottle of wine. Yep. You heard me right. I start throwing back glasses of wine like my life depends on it. Before I know it, I'm halfway through the bottle and I tell myself to chill out.
I frantically text my friend Stacy who says, "OMG settle down, where are you going? It's not a big deal, if he doesn't like you, fuck him." Oh, thank God for Stacy.
Anyhoo, I get a text saying he is looking for parking. Last Saturday he was really concerned about parking too. I can't hold this against him though. I don't have a car to park...
I turn the lights off in my apartment and see this guy frantically weaving down the sidewalk. It's him, he's here. And I'm tipsy. Shit.
I grab a glass of water and chug. I pop a piece of gum in my mouth and triple check that I turned my straighter off {OCD?} and then head down stairs.
The moment we have all been waiting for. We meet.
He's kind of cute. I'm not falling over myself. He's got that male baldness thing going on, but not in a horrible way. His hair is salt and pepper {hot} and holy shit he says hello. Using my name. And he hugs me. His accent is {hot}. Like seriously. It's freezing out so we decide to book it straight to Spur.
He orders a cocktail and I decide to stick with red wine. He tells me the wine smells delicious. I tell him he smells delicious. Wait. Did I? Who knows? He did though!
We had a great conversation. He's the most interesting person that I've ever met. Ever. I do very little talking but do a lot of asking questions. He's very sweet and his story is incredible. Plus, he works with kids. I mean, how adorable is that.
We shut the place down. He insists on paying. He walks me back to my place. He hugs me again. I stiffen up and run inside.
Okay. So now I know where my area of weakness is. Pretty sure I sent him a strong signal of I need to get the hell outta here, which I am not sure I meant to do. But that's okay! I had a good time. It wasn't love at first sight...but he wasn't like {The Grandpa} - thank God.
There's always next time right?
xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Stacy}

I started this online dating thing all by my lonesome self, but since I joined eHarmony, I've been lucky enough to have two other good friends take the plunge. You already met {The Juju}. Now let me introduce you to Stacy yesterday. She's one of my dearest friends - and she doesn't take shit from anyone. She also happens to be tall and blond. So if you are single - and want attention - don't bring her as your wing woman. :)
She also decided to blog about her quest in finding true love. Well, she just posted a {GEM} - that just can't be beat. And because of that, I'm not even going to post about myself today. I'm not even going to try.
Head over to her blog and check out how the shit hit the fan in her world.
And for all you single girls out there, it looks like {The Jock} is still single and ready to mingle...so if you wanna hit that, I'm sure Stacy would happily get you in touch with him...
I die.
xoxo,
Elle
From Stacy at www.stacy-onlinedatingadventures.com

Shit hits the fan

So today I arrive at work at 6:30a.m. and have to make presentations to the employees.  During my breaks in the presentations my friend "Britney" sends me a text message asking how my date went and letting me know that she got stood up on her date!  I text her back, "WTF? was it a match date with someone new?".  She tells me that it was with someone that she had been dating for a little while, and they had already been on several dates.  I feel bad for Britney, that sucks!  What a jerk.  I guess these are some of the downsides of match.com dating.

Today I receive more text messages from Jock, here's a little snipet:

10:28a.m.: "I'm back in town, if you would still like to get together this weekend"
                  **Umm, probably not considering I haven't texted you in over a week**
12:38p.m.: "Guess not. haha! I told you this would happen! I just wish you'd say you weren't interested, instead of ignoring me :("
                 "Anyways, best of luck to you!"
                 "Haha I just realized we have a mutual friend.. and that's probably why you stopped responding! Haha! I hate small towns :("

Now at this point, I know the "friend" he is referring to (see below). 

Britney had mentioned to me a while back that she actually went on a date with Jock several months ago.  After reading my blog, she realized that it was the same person (It under no means was a deterrent for me to not go on a date with Jock, he just annoyed me with his constant text messages - plain and simple). 

Britney and I were making some plans to meet up for St. Patrick's Day and then Britney sends me a text later in the afternoon saying that she's pretty sure a nasty email will come to me from Jock.

I give her a call and learn some interesting occurances:

1.  When I didn't respond to Jock, he decided to creepily do a search for me on facebook.
2.  When he found me, he also saw that him and I were a mutual friend with Britney.
3.  He started textually harrassing Britney.
4.  Britney let him know that I have a blog - and send him some "excerpts" from my blog!

Now, I understand what she means about a "nasty email".

Sure enough, here it comes:

***"First of all, I'm not a Jock. Second of all, I tried to call you and chat and you would never pick up my calls. Third, I never asked for provocative pictures, I wanted a picture of your face because I think you are beautiful.. I guess I'm an asshole in that case.

It really bummed me out to read your blog.. to really see the lies you were telling me when you were out with friends the night before my birthday (out on another date) and just had so much to do (another date) the day after. I invited you to my birthday because I wanted to meet you. It is really sad, because I am a good guy.. I treat people with respect and dignity, and to see the other side. To see someone just playing some big game and gain enjoyment is sad. Instead of being a stand up person and just saying I am not interested, you write about me, albeit anonymously, and laugh, while not responding to me.

I was trying to be persistent because I thought you were a sweet girl. But alas, I see otherwise. It's funny because men are painted as such pigs.. Especially, with my description. Like a neanderthal, just wanting a cheap fuck. Well that's fine, I'm sorry for blowing you up at book club (because I was interested in getting to know you), I am sorry for asking for a picture because I think you are beautiful, and I am sorry for inviting you to a party I was having. I tried all of the things you wanted me to do (coffee, call, etc.) and you blew me off, all the while, claiming how I and other men, are incapable or reacting the way you want them to.

So to answer the question your blog so eloquently poses, the answer is no. You can't find true love when you play people, lie, and write them off as people who couldn't be further from the depiction you write them as. You put me in a little box and treated me like all the men you've ever hated, treated you. Just remember, everyone isn't an asshole, everyone isn't a liar, and everyone isn't out to get you."***

Whoa buddy!  I think it is time you just settled down.  There are plenty of fish out in the sea, I'm just one girl, you need to let it go. 

Oh, and when did I paint men as such assholes?  Did I do that?  I didn't mean to do that, because I like men.  I'd say though that there is at least one man out there that doesn't like me.  :)

Thanks for sharing Stacy!

xoxo, Elle

Elle {and} the Importance of Communication

So I've been at this for a while. Feels like forever. Really it hasn't even been two months. Oh shit. I only have a month left on my subscription. I better hurry up and find a mate! Oh wait. You can't hurry love. No,  you just have to wait. Sigh. That song! So true.
So I'm talking to this guy. We'll call him {The Dentist}. Yep. He's a dentist. Photos? Nothing to write home about {male hair loss}. His story? AH-mazing. He is the most interesting person I have ever spoken to in my life. We go through the guided communication. Email back and forth a few times and he asks if we can meet up.
I start sweating.
Of course we can! I'm fresh off my horrible date with {The Grandpa} and ready to get back out there. {The Dentist} suggests that we grab a cup of coffee. While I'd prefer something a little...harder {liquor is a girls best friend in these situations}, I don't want him to think I'm a lush. So I agree.
I pick out a Starbucks in my neighborhood. And we agree to meet at Noon on a Saturday.
Here we go again. I pick out my outfit. I go through my usual getting ready. I sweat. The usual!
I decide to head down to Starbucks a little early to snag a table and buy my drink. After the disaster with {The Grandpa} I don't want to deal with splitting a bill. Even coffee.
I arrive. Order my drink. Snag a table with a view of the counter {that way I can hightail it out of there if he ends up being a freak...I kid, I kid} and then I. Put. My. Phone. On. Silent. and place it in my purse.
Yup. You guessed it.
I'm pretending to read my book and feel like time is CRAWLING. But tell myself to take it easy he'll be here soon. After an eternity passes I look at my phone. Three text messages and it's 12:32pm. He arrived. He waited outside the coffee shop for me. He never came in. He thought I stood him up. He said a few passive aggressive things. He left.
Mortified.
I texted him. I apologized! He called me. Holy shit. He has a deep voice and an accent. He's already on the freeway. We agree to check our calendars and reconvene later in the week.
Hi. My name is Elle and I over think things. I didn't want to be glued to my phone when he walked in, or be interrupted when we met {what? I'm a very popular girl}, so I over thought it.
Are me and {The Dentist} doomed? Or is this a story we will tell our grandkids? Stay tuned!
What did I learn?
1. Don't put your phone on silent.
2. Agree on where you will meet {inside or outside}?
3. Find a man who will actually come inside the joint for a quick scan to see if you are there...
Ugh. 
xoxo,
Elle

Elle {and} eHarmony

Alright. I took a break from this blog. I admit it. Dating. Is. Exhausting. Seriously. I already have a full time job...then I have to come home and basically source resumes {profiles} to weed out all the losers. What? It's true. And let me tell you, there is an {ABUNDANCE} of losers on eHarmony. Like big time.
Look, I haven't lied to you. I'm the most judgmental person I know. But I {HAVE} been trying to go easier on these guys. Is it my fault that they are schmucks?
The {Cock} Guy
This guys profile picture is of him standing in front of a sign that I can only assume says Cocktails. He blocked out the 'tails' part and is essentially standing under a sign that says {Cock}. Um. Douche-bag.
The {Dumb} Guy:
He couldn't spell {Halloween}. SPELL CHECK. We've already discussed this in an earlier post.
The {Sexually Knowledgeable} Guy: 
Buy a hooker.
The {Confused} Guy:
On his profile he says he wants kids. In his "Must Have, Can't Stands" he must have someone who supports his decision not to have kids. WHAT?
The {Teeth Matches Yellow Tie} Guy:
Ugh. Use a different photo?
The {Non-Smiling} Guy:
I understand it might not be "cool" to smile, but seriously, you look angry and pissed off. I'm terrified of you.
The {Hiker} Guy{s} - every other match:
UGH. Maybe it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest...but GROSS. You, in your fleece vest, hiking boots and khaki shorts - TURN. OFF. No offense.
Do I sound defeated? I am. But there is always tomorrow!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Feeling Petite

Ugh.
Today I was matched with two guys who are 5'5". Which really means 5'3". Right?
Look, I have no problem with guys who are short. I have guy friends who are short. The operative word being friends. A lot of guys who are short have the short man syndrome. Or the Napoleon Complex. Ugh. Exhausting.
Both of these guys requested communication with me! Am I being shallow for wanting to close them? Am I asking for too much? I'd like to be able to feel petite. Not large and in charge, like I'm going to crush my man.

Fact: Tom Cruise has short man syndrome.

Keith Urban cannot feel great about
himself in this photo.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on THAT Guy

Ugh.

It's days like this that make me think it's {not} possible to find true love online! This guy requested communication with me today:

/////////////////////////// WARNING!!! \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ This profile contains; Adult Language , Adult Content , Psychological Nudity!

UGH. FYI, there was no adult language, adult content or psychological {?} nudity in his profile.

And he had a creepy picture. Like seriously. I'm going to have nightmares. I feel like he is making eye contact with me when I switch to my eHarm tab.

Thank you for the warning.
Now I'm going to close you.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Pure Chocolate

My friend {The Juju} recently {and by recently I mean Friday} signed up for a different online dating website. I personally like to think that she saw how much of a {blast} I've been having on eHarm and just had to join the fun.

I have to say I am quite proud of her! She already has two dates set up for this week. And she had {EVERY} right to be discouraged. One of the first emails she received from a match included this gem:

"I'm about 6'2" and weigh about 227 pounds of pure chocolate."

Luckily Match has a way to let people down easy. And {The Juju} is moving on. She may not be moving on to something bigger...but I think we all agree it will be better.

This guy is cute.

This guy is not.

Moral of the story? Don't refer to yourself as chocolate - not milk, not white, not dark.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's Second {eHarm} Date

Let's re-cap. {Blind date} last summer? Meh - I wasn't in the right mindset. Wasn't his fault. No chemistry. Lots of sweat {his}. Something to look back on and laugh. Great confidence booster. First {eHarm} date? Great company. Great time. Great drinks. He decided to harmonize exclusively with some other chick the day after our date {his loss}. I was feeling pretty good about life. Pretty good about meeting gents online. Pretty excited {terrified} to set up my next date. But hey, if they were all going to be like {The Canadian} dating up a storm was going to be cake!

While talking with {The Canadian}, I was also talking with this other guy. Before I met him, I would have called him {The Nerd} - in a good way! But after meeting him in person - I find {The Grandpa} to be more appropriate.

Remember my friend and dating consultant {The Meow}? She was sold on this guy. On paper he appeared equally dorky and fun. She was more excited than I was. {The Meow} was already scheduling double dates in our near future.

I will say that my other friend {The Judge} thought he
looked like Artie from Glee.

After going back and forth for a bit {The Grandpa} finally got up the nerve to ask to meet in person. He initially asked to meet me for brunch but I was feeling ill. {I should have listened to my body - I think it was trying to tell me something}. He left me a message and said "Howdy Elle" {Yep, he actually said howdy}. And then proceeded to blabber on about weather and brunch and meeting in person for a very boring {painful} few minutes. {Again, I should have trusted my instincts...but I thought maybe he was just nervous}!

I. Was. Wrong. So very wrong.

We decided to meet the following Friday for dinner in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. It was freezing {literally} and it was his brilliant idea to meet outside in front of the Lenin statue. Good people. This now should have been clue number three to abort the mission. Who decides to meet in front of a statue in 20 degree weather? {The Grandpa} does. So on I went.

So there I am at 6:35pm standing in front of that god damned statue -freezing my ass off- when I hear this warbly voice - "Are you Elle?" Our eyes met for the first time. I was ready for fireworks...And instead I found myself looking into the eyes of. My. Mom. Now seriously, my mom is adorable. She is feminine. And I love her. I count her to be one of my very best friends. She is a woman {obviously}. And she has a few decades on me. So, {NO}, I don't want to be on a date with {a MAN} who resembles my mother.

But I'm not someone who gets down to easy. I jumped right into giving this guy a fair chance. We trotted across the street to Jai Thai and were promptly seated.

It all went down hill from there. He ordered hot {jasmine} tea as his beverage. Period. He. Was. So. Boring. I will not even bore you with the details. But I will tell you it was the {LONGEST} hour and ten minutes of my life. I was so bored, I ate four bites of my Pad See Eew - and asked for a box. He ate his plate. He whined about his brother being married {bitter much?} And then...he ordered dessert. My friends, I am not lying to you. The date crashed. It burned. And {The Grandpa} decided it was a good time to order sticky rice pudding...for us to split? {WTF}? First. Rice is not dessert. Second. Were we not on the same date? I'm signaling for the check and you're ordering dessert? All I could think about was getting home to my new Us Weekly magazine.

So. We split the check. He awkwardly {creepily?} offered me a ride home. And ladies and gentlemen - this is when I knew that {The Grandpa} and I were never to meet again. I, Elle, declined a ride home. I actually thought in my precious little brain, that the bus was a better option.

What did I learn on this date?
1. I should trust my woman's intuition.
2. Don't order hot tea on a date. Just don't. Order a coke. Or a Dr. Pepper. Or an iced tea. Hot {jasmine} tea, does not scream romance.
3. Don't go to dinner on a first date {I already knew this - but lesson learned...again}
4. If your date is signaling for the check, don't order dessert.
5. When a stinky bus ride home sounds more appealing than getting a ride home in a nice clean car - it's just not meant to be.

In fact from now on, I think I'm going to do the {bus test}. If at any moment I decide I don't want a ride home from someone, I'm going to go home to immediately close them online. The End.

FYI - The evening was not a total waste. I was totally and completely proud of myself for getting out there again! {High Five} You gotta kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince, right?

Maybe if {The Grandpa} had worn this hat to keep warm,
he would not have needed to order HOT TEA.

Happy virtual dating!

xoxo,
Elle