Elle and {Stacy}

I started this online dating thing all by my lonesome self, but since I joined eHarmony, I've been lucky enough to have two other good friends take the plunge. You already met {The Juju}. Now let me introduce you to Stacy yesterday. She's one of my dearest friends - and she doesn't take shit from anyone. She also happens to be tall and blond. So if you are single - and want attention - don't bring her as your wing woman. :)
She also decided to blog about her quest in finding true love. Well, she just posted a {GEM} - that just can't be beat. And because of that, I'm not even going to post about myself today. I'm not even going to try.
Head over to her blog and check out how the shit hit the fan in her world.
And for all you single girls out there, it looks like {The Jock} is still single and ready to mingle...so if you wanna hit that, I'm sure Stacy would happily get you in touch with him...
I die.
xoxo,
Elle
From Stacy at www.stacy-onlinedatingadventures.com

Shit hits the fan

So today I arrive at work at 6:30a.m. and have to make presentations to the employees.  During my breaks in the presentations my friend "Britney" sends me a text message asking how my date went and letting me know that she got stood up on her date!  I text her back, "WTF? was it a match date with someone new?".  She tells me that it was with someone that she had been dating for a little while, and they had already been on several dates.  I feel bad for Britney, that sucks!  What a jerk.  I guess these are some of the downsides of match.com dating.

Today I receive more text messages from Jock, here's a little snipet:

10:28a.m.: "I'm back in town, if you would still like to get together this weekend"
                  **Umm, probably not considering I haven't texted you in over a week**
12:38p.m.: "Guess not. haha! I told you this would happen! I just wish you'd say you weren't interested, instead of ignoring me :("
                 "Anyways, best of luck to you!"
                 "Haha I just realized we have a mutual friend.. and that's probably why you stopped responding! Haha! I hate small towns :("

Now at this point, I know the "friend" he is referring to (see below). 

Britney had mentioned to me a while back that she actually went on a date with Jock several months ago.  After reading my blog, she realized that it was the same person (It under no means was a deterrent for me to not go on a date with Jock, he just annoyed me with his constant text messages - plain and simple). 

Britney and I were making some plans to meet up for St. Patrick's Day and then Britney sends me a text later in the afternoon saying that she's pretty sure a nasty email will come to me from Jock.

I give her a call and learn some interesting occurances:

1.  When I didn't respond to Jock, he decided to creepily do a search for me on facebook.
2.  When he found me, he also saw that him and I were a mutual friend with Britney.
3.  He started textually harrassing Britney.
4.  Britney let him know that I have a blog - and send him some "excerpts" from my blog!

Now, I understand what she means about a "nasty email".

Sure enough, here it comes:

***"First of all, I'm not a Jock. Second of all, I tried to call you and chat and you would never pick up my calls. Third, I never asked for provocative pictures, I wanted a picture of your face because I think you are beautiful.. I guess I'm an asshole in that case.

It really bummed me out to read your blog.. to really see the lies you were telling me when you were out with friends the night before my birthday (out on another date) and just had so much to do (another date) the day after. I invited you to my birthday because I wanted to meet you. It is really sad, because I am a good guy.. I treat people with respect and dignity, and to see the other side. To see someone just playing some big game and gain enjoyment is sad. Instead of being a stand up person and just saying I am not interested, you write about me, albeit anonymously, and laugh, while not responding to me.

I was trying to be persistent because I thought you were a sweet girl. But alas, I see otherwise. It's funny because men are painted as such pigs.. Especially, with my description. Like a neanderthal, just wanting a cheap fuck. Well that's fine, I'm sorry for blowing you up at book club (because I was interested in getting to know you), I am sorry for asking for a picture because I think you are beautiful, and I am sorry for inviting you to a party I was having. I tried all of the things you wanted me to do (coffee, call, etc.) and you blew me off, all the while, claiming how I and other men, are incapable or reacting the way you want them to.

So to answer the question your blog so eloquently poses, the answer is no. You can't find true love when you play people, lie, and write them off as people who couldn't be further from the depiction you write them as. You put me in a little box and treated me like all the men you've ever hated, treated you. Just remember, everyone isn't an asshole, everyone isn't a liar, and everyone isn't out to get you."***

Whoa buddy!  I think it is time you just settled down.  There are plenty of fish out in the sea, I'm just one girl, you need to let it go. 

Oh, and when did I paint men as such assholes?  Did I do that?  I didn't mean to do that, because I like men.  I'd say though that there is at least one man out there that doesn't like me.  :)

Thanks for sharing Stacy!

xoxo, Elle

Elle {and} the Importance of Communication

So I've been at this for a while. Feels like forever. Really it hasn't even been two months. Oh shit. I only have a month left on my subscription. I better hurry up and find a mate! Oh wait. You can't hurry love. No,  you just have to wait. Sigh. That song! So true.
So I'm talking to this guy. We'll call him {The Dentist}. Yep. He's a dentist. Photos? Nothing to write home about {male hair loss}. His story? AH-mazing. He is the most interesting person I have ever spoken to in my life. We go through the guided communication. Email back and forth a few times and he asks if we can meet up.
I start sweating.
Of course we can! I'm fresh off my horrible date with {The Grandpa} and ready to get back out there. {The Dentist} suggests that we grab a cup of coffee. While I'd prefer something a little...harder {liquor is a girls best friend in these situations}, I don't want him to think I'm a lush. So I agree.
I pick out a Starbucks in my neighborhood. And we agree to meet at Noon on a Saturday.
Here we go again. I pick out my outfit. I go through my usual getting ready. I sweat. The usual!
I decide to head down to Starbucks a little early to snag a table and buy my drink. After the disaster with {The Grandpa} I don't want to deal with splitting a bill. Even coffee.
I arrive. Order my drink. Snag a table with a view of the counter {that way I can hightail it out of there if he ends up being a freak...I kid, I kid} and then I. Put. My. Phone. On. Silent. and place it in my purse.
Yup. You guessed it.
I'm pretending to read my book and feel like time is CRAWLING. But tell myself to take it easy he'll be here soon. After an eternity passes I look at my phone. Three text messages and it's 12:32pm. He arrived. He waited outside the coffee shop for me. He never came in. He thought I stood him up. He said a few passive aggressive things. He left.
Mortified.
I texted him. I apologized! He called me. Holy shit. He has a deep voice and an accent. He's already on the freeway. We agree to check our calendars and reconvene later in the week.
Hi. My name is Elle and I over think things. I didn't want to be glued to my phone when he walked in, or be interrupted when we met {what? I'm a very popular girl}, so I over thought it.
Are me and {The Dentist} doomed? Or is this a story we will tell our grandkids? Stay tuned!
What did I learn?
1. Don't put your phone on silent.
2. Agree on where you will meet {inside or outside}?
3. Find a man who will actually come inside the joint for a quick scan to see if you are there...
Ugh. 
xoxo,
Elle

Elle {and} eHarmony

Alright. I took a break from this blog. I admit it. Dating. Is. Exhausting. Seriously. I already have a full time job...then I have to come home and basically source resumes {profiles} to weed out all the losers. What? It's true. And let me tell you, there is an {ABUNDANCE} of losers on eHarmony. Like big time.
Look, I haven't lied to you. I'm the most judgmental person I know. But I {HAVE} been trying to go easier on these guys. Is it my fault that they are schmucks?
The {Cock} Guy
This guys profile picture is of him standing in front of a sign that I can only assume says Cocktails. He blocked out the 'tails' part and is essentially standing under a sign that says {Cock}. Um. Douche-bag.
The {Dumb} Guy:
He couldn't spell {Halloween}. SPELL CHECK. We've already discussed this in an earlier post.
The {Sexually Knowledgeable} Guy: 
Buy a hooker.
The {Confused} Guy:
On his profile he says he wants kids. In his "Must Have, Can't Stands" he must have someone who supports his decision not to have kids. WHAT?
The {Teeth Matches Yellow Tie} Guy:
Ugh. Use a different photo?
The {Non-Smiling} Guy:
I understand it might not be "cool" to smile, but seriously, you look angry and pissed off. I'm terrified of you.
The {Hiker} Guy{s} - every other match:
UGH. Maybe it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest...but GROSS. You, in your fleece vest, hiking boots and khaki shorts - TURN. OFF. No offense.
Do I sound defeated? I am. But there is always tomorrow!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Feeling Petite

Ugh.
Today I was matched with two guys who are 5'5". Which really means 5'3". Right?
Look, I have no problem with guys who are short. I have guy friends who are short. The operative word being friends. A lot of guys who are short have the short man syndrome. Or the Napoleon Complex. Ugh. Exhausting.
Both of these guys requested communication with me! Am I being shallow for wanting to close them? Am I asking for too much? I'd like to be able to feel petite. Not large and in charge, like I'm going to crush my man.

Fact: Tom Cruise has short man syndrome.

Keith Urban cannot feel great about
himself in this photo.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on THAT Guy

Ugh.

It's days like this that make me think it's {not} possible to find true love online! This guy requested communication with me today:

/////////////////////////// WARNING!!! \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ This profile contains; Adult Language , Adult Content , Psychological Nudity!

UGH. FYI, there was no adult language, adult content or psychological {?} nudity in his profile.

And he had a creepy picture. Like seriously. I'm going to have nightmares. I feel like he is making eye contact with me when I switch to my eHarm tab.

Thank you for the warning.
Now I'm going to close you.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's {Opinion} on Pure Chocolate

My friend {The Juju} recently {and by recently I mean Friday} signed up for a different online dating website. I personally like to think that she saw how much of a {blast} I've been having on eHarm and just had to join the fun.

I have to say I am quite proud of her! She already has two dates set up for this week. And she had {EVERY} right to be discouraged. One of the first emails she received from a match included this gem:

"I'm about 6'2" and weigh about 227 pounds of pure chocolate."

Luckily Match has a way to let people down easy. And {The Juju} is moving on. She may not be moving on to something bigger...but I think we all agree it will be better.

This guy is cute.

This guy is not.

Moral of the story? Don't refer to yourself as chocolate - not milk, not white, not dark.

Happy Virtual Dating!
xoxo,
Elle

Elle's Second {eHarm} Date

Let's re-cap. {Blind date} last summer? Meh - I wasn't in the right mindset. Wasn't his fault. No chemistry. Lots of sweat {his}. Something to look back on and laugh. Great confidence booster. First {eHarm} date? Great company. Great time. Great drinks. He decided to harmonize exclusively with some other chick the day after our date {his loss}. I was feeling pretty good about life. Pretty good about meeting gents online. Pretty excited {terrified} to set up my next date. But hey, if they were all going to be like {The Canadian} dating up a storm was going to be cake!

While talking with {The Canadian}, I was also talking with this other guy. Before I met him, I would have called him {The Nerd} - in a good way! But after meeting him in person - I find {The Grandpa} to be more appropriate.

Remember my friend and dating consultant {The Meow}? She was sold on this guy. On paper he appeared equally dorky and fun. She was more excited than I was. {The Meow} was already scheduling double dates in our near future.

I will say that my other friend {The Judge} thought he
looked like Artie from Glee.

After going back and forth for a bit {The Grandpa} finally got up the nerve to ask to meet in person. He initially asked to meet me for brunch but I was feeling ill. {I should have listened to my body - I think it was trying to tell me something}. He left me a message and said "Howdy Elle" {Yep, he actually said howdy}. And then proceeded to blabber on about weather and brunch and meeting in person for a very boring {painful} few minutes. {Again, I should have trusted my instincts...but I thought maybe he was just nervous}!

I. Was. Wrong. So very wrong.

We decided to meet the following Friday for dinner in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. It was freezing {literally} and it was his brilliant idea to meet outside in front of the Lenin statue. Good people. This now should have been clue number three to abort the mission. Who decides to meet in front of a statue in 20 degree weather? {The Grandpa} does. So on I went.

So there I am at 6:35pm standing in front of that god damned statue -freezing my ass off- when I hear this warbly voice - "Are you Elle?" Our eyes met for the first time. I was ready for fireworks...And instead I found myself looking into the eyes of. My. Mom. Now seriously, my mom is adorable. She is feminine. And I love her. I count her to be one of my very best friends. She is a woman {obviously}. And she has a few decades on me. So, {NO}, I don't want to be on a date with {a MAN} who resembles my mother.

But I'm not someone who gets down to easy. I jumped right into giving this guy a fair chance. We trotted across the street to Jai Thai and were promptly seated.

It all went down hill from there. He ordered hot {jasmine} tea as his beverage. Period. He. Was. So. Boring. I will not even bore you with the details. But I will tell you it was the {LONGEST} hour and ten minutes of my life. I was so bored, I ate four bites of my Pad See Eew - and asked for a box. He ate his plate. He whined about his brother being married {bitter much?} And then...he ordered dessert. My friends, I am not lying to you. The date crashed. It burned. And {The Grandpa} decided it was a good time to order sticky rice pudding...for us to split? {WTF}? First. Rice is not dessert. Second. Were we not on the same date? I'm signaling for the check and you're ordering dessert? All I could think about was getting home to my new Us Weekly magazine.

So. We split the check. He awkwardly {creepily?} offered me a ride home. And ladies and gentlemen - this is when I knew that {The Grandpa} and I were never to meet again. I, Elle, declined a ride home. I actually thought in my precious little brain, that the bus was a better option.

What did I learn on this date?
1. I should trust my woman's intuition.
2. Don't order hot tea on a date. Just don't. Order a coke. Or a Dr. Pepper. Or an iced tea. Hot {jasmine} tea, does not scream romance.
3. Don't go to dinner on a first date {I already knew this - but lesson learned...again}
4. If your date is signaling for the check, don't order dessert.
5. When a stinky bus ride home sounds more appealing than getting a ride home in a nice clean car - it's just not meant to be.

In fact from now on, I think I'm going to do the {bus test}. If at any moment I decide I don't want a ride home from someone, I'm going to go home to immediately close them online. The End.

FYI - The evening was not a total waste. I was totally and completely proud of myself for getting out there again! {High Five} You gotta kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince, right?

Maybe if {The Grandpa} had worn this hat to keep warm,
he would not have needed to order HOT TEA.

Happy virtual dating!

xoxo,
Elle