Elle and {Loss}

I hope to post more about {Baby Girl} in the coming weeks but right now it hurts to much to write about her and the events that lead up to her final day with us. However, I want to share what I am feeling and get my thoughts down. And hopefully find some coping strategies for the coming months as I grieve the loss of my {Baby Girl}.

I lost my sweet {Baby Girl} very suddenly two weeks ago. And when I say I, I mean we {Me}, {The BF} and {The X}. {Baby Girl} was my puppy, my love, my best friend and a member of my family. I loved her so much and so unconditionally that I can't begin to understand what my life will be like not having her to love and care for any more.

I am lost.

I think that one of the things that is most difficult to explain, especially to those who do not own pets, is how much it really does hurt to love someone{thing} so much and then to suddenly {very suddenly} lose that member of your family.

Your routine changes.

You are not needed like you used to be needed.

Your bed feels empty.

There is an empty space where her ken ken {kennel} used to be.

You are careful when sitting down on the couch or the bed, so as not to squish her. Then you remember, she isn't there.

Your life changes. In a blink.

{Baby Girl} was with me in a time that I needed her most. I hate that I had to say good-bye so early. So soon. {Baby Girl} helped me learn responsibility. She taught me what is was to care for something, what is was to have something completely depended on me for survival. {Baby Girl} counted on me.

{Baby Girl} got me through a tough time in my life. She was there for me when me and {The X} broke up. She gave me reason to live in my darkest days. She gave me love when I was lost. She sat with me while I cried. She showed me that I was not alone.

{Baby Girl} was with me when I rediscovered myself. She enjoyed taking long walks with me. She liked sitting on my stomach while I was doing sit ups. She liked breathing in my face, licking it and getting in my way while I was trying to exercise on the floor of my studio apartment.

{Baby Girl} kept me and {The X} connected. Our mutual love for her, helped us to rediscover and reaffirm our friendship with each other.

{Baby Girl} was there for me to talk to when I got home from work. And she was there when I started dating again. She was a great excuse to go home to if the date wasn't going well ;-). And she was okay with me using her in that way {more cuddle time for her after all}. She liked hearing about my dates {at least I like to think she did}. She was a great judge of character when I started seeing {The Bus Rider} who then became {The BF}. She fell for him immediately which helped me know it was okay for me to fall for him too.

She had the softest ears. She loved guarding from the window. She hated getting her nails trimmed. She {always} pulled on her leash. She loved running at my parents farm. And testing out her bark against {big} dogs and {ugly} dogs, especially when she knew that her humans were near by to protect her. She was a stubborn {little} brat, that refused to be {potty} trained. She peed and pooped...almost immediately...in every new house or building that she entered. She had a hilarious way of always needing to poop in the middle of a crosswalk...when the light was about to change. Her ears bounced {up and down} when she walked. She smelled like a bag of {stale?} fritos. She loved sleeping in her human's nooks - between our legs or arms. She loved the smell of {arm} pits. She loved to burrow. She loved laying in the sun...indoors. She hated her ken ken. Her breath smelled {really} bad. She hated wearing her 'bra' {harness} but loved wearing her jack jack in the winter. Winter, for {Baby Girl}, lasted 12 months a year. She peed on your bed if you ignored her for {too} long. She had {legs} that went on for seconds and a {body} that went on for days. She was a {fat} girl trapped in a {thin} girls body. She had {loose} skin. She loved treats. Sometimes I would eat crackers and purposefully drop crumbs on her head because it made me laugh and she looked cute. She was a self-feeder that was not overweight {unheard of in the dachshund world}. She made the most adorable {squeaking/squealing} noises when she {really really} missed you and was {finally} reunited with you {whether it be that she was separated from you for days or minutes}. She did {not} like standing on cold cement. She destroyed every. single. toy. she. ever. owned. She was a {lap} dog, who sometimes would choose to sit really far away from you...which would make you wonder what was wrong with {you}...She loved sitting up high {on top of couches, windows}. She loved sitting on her {hind} legs. She hated being left out of anything...especially {dinner} time. She did {not} like bubbles. She hated her own bath time {and ours}. She was very photogenic and may be the most photographed puppy who will ever live. She was scared of {cats}, but she loved {to eat} cat poop. True. Story. She loved to lick our legs when we got out of the shower. She loved to dump her water bowl out to get our attention. She made me laugh so hard I would {cry} and cry so hard I would {laugh}. She loved... to be loved.

And she loved her humans. My gawd. Did she love her humans.

She will be in my heart forever. 

Goodbye sweet baby girl. Rest in peace.

{Baby Girl's First Photo}

Goodbye {Baby Girl}

Mama pulls your ears because she loves you.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and Accidentally Moving In

Awww. Relationships are so fun. Especially new{ish} relationships! I love spending time with {The Boyfriend}. Watching tv, running, reading, cooking for two, counting sheep - these are all things I enjoy doing by myself, but doing them with {The Boyfriend}...so much better.

But how do we balance where and when we spend our time together?

I learned a lot in my last relationship with {The X}. You all know how {that} story ends, so it shouldn't be a surprise when I say that we had some pretty unhealthy habits between the two of us. We got to a point in our relationship where we weren't really doing anything without each other, so much so that I forgot how to do things on my own. I forgot how to be my own person.

In the story of {Elle} - there is such thing as too much together time.

I think that part of the reason why me and {The X} became an {US} that couldn't function without the other half is because we moved in together very quickly in our relationship without looking into the future and talking about what taking that step might mean.

I vowed to not make that mistake again in any future relationships. I took the greater part of a year and a half to discover who I was again. I experienced a lot of growth and challenges in that time but it was definitely worth it.

I'm thrilled to report that things still are going well with {The Boyfriend}. I do enjoy spending time with him - but we also do our own things too. However...you knew there would be a however right? I can't seem to find a healthy balance between spending time at his house and mine. We spend most of our time at his place - and there are so many reasons why. I'll even list a few. 1. When we have {The Pup}, it's so much easier for her to run outside and use the bathroom. 2. He has a two bedroom, two bath town home, while I am rocking a less than 400 square foot apartment. 3. I have one chair. He has two couches. 4. We can walk to the grocery store - a real grocery store - from his place. From my place it takes a bus ride. 5. He has a fire place. I have a candle that I shouldn't light because I'm sure it's against code. 6. He can fast forward commercials, at my house you have to watch them. - I could go on...and on, but I won't.

Lastly - as a lady - I hate carting my shit between two houses during any given week. If we start the week at his house - I ain't moving. Why? Because. Friends, I have never {NEVER} been a light packer. If I need one pair of underwear, I pack four. If I think I'm going to wear these jeans tomorrow, I bring them and one additional pair. If I wear the first pair of jeans, then I need these flats, but if I wear the other ones, then I need boots. If I wear the flats, I need a more casual top, but with the boots, then I think I'll be a little more dressy. I can wear my peacoat to work, but need my casual jacket for after. What earrings? What necklace? Plus what if it's raining?

My makeup and hair 'stuff' take up a whole other bag.

And don't even get me started if {The Pup} is with me, then I have her bag o'goodies as well.

Just packing for a quick overnight to {The Boyfriend's} House

My point is this. I enjoy spending time with {The Boyfriend}. We are an {us}. But I am also a {me} - a {me} who pays her own rent and has her own place. We don't live together and I don't want to find myself accidentally moving in before we talk about what that means to both of us and our relationship.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {November} Rain

The other night {The Boyfriend} and I are sitting down for a nice chat. I’m not good with {awkward} silence, so sometimes I like to quiz him. Secretly I am preparing for my Bachelorette party when I am sure to be asked questions about him and our relationship in some sort of raunchy hen night game. He doesn’t need to know that though. Bahahaha. {PS Chill out, I’m totes kidding.}

Anyway – I ask him what his favorite song is. He hems and haws for a few minutes and comes up with November Rain – and then queues it up on his iTunes.

Do any of you relate songs to specific moments in your life? I do.

Why oh why I thought it would be a good idea to listen to music on the day that me and {The X} broke up is beyond me, but I will tell you that it did ruin a handful of songs for me…forever.

Have you ever been through a break up? In the month of November? And listened to some tunes – to get you through a tough time? No. Seriously. I swear to Gawd. This song. Came on. That day. And regardless of what the song is about – it SOUNDS sad. Am I right?

Holy shit did that bring me back to a different time in my life. I feel bad. {The Boyfriend} is sitting there all happy to be sharing his favorite song to me and I’m holding back tears? I didn’t quite expect to react that way. To have to physically remove myself from the room to let it finish playing. It’s been a long time since that day my friends! But still. I relate music to specific events/times in my life. And if you do too, then you know just what I mean. Something can hit you when you least expect it. And music was a big part of me and {The X's}life - so any song that came out between 2005-2010 will prolly trigger some sort of physical reaction from me.

As you all know, I’ve moved on. It’s not that I’m holding on to the past and me and {The X} are friends! But the song triggered the feelings of devastation, failure, uncertainty, sadness – and relief. The roller coaster of emotions that I felt for several months following that milestone moment in my life.

Everybody needs some time, on their own.

The lyrics that stand out to me are “Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.” Those feelings {devastation, failure, uncertainty, sadness} didn’t last forever – thank Gawd. I learned that while I may have been feeling those feelings at the time, my relationship with {The X} didn't fail. We were just meant to be friends. It hurt at the time, but really it was a second chance, a new beginning - for both of us!

So, moving forward when this song starts bumping at {The Boyfriend’s} house – and you know it’s going to because it’s his favorite! -, I’m going to spin it in a positive light. Power of positive thinking my friends!

xoxo,

Elle

Elle and a {Hiatus)

Dear Friends,

I have no excuse. Please forgive me for my blogging hiatus. The good news? I've got a lot to catch you up on. Lots. And lots.

Stick with me. I promise I won't leave you hanging so long this time around.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and Doing {Dishes} at {The Boyfriend's} House

{The Boyfriend} and I have been dating for a little over a month and a half now. He hasn't really discovered my crazy side yet {there's plenty of time for that} and I haven't discovered his. I'd like to keep him from discovering my {crazy} side until he's really locked in for the long haul. Keeping the {crazy} hidden is easy when you're never in the same city as each other...

Anyway, we've both been out of town so much that when we are actually both in the city of Seattle, we spend our time together. Doing fun things - like {not} cleaning our houses. Because of this, the dishes started piling up a little at {The Boyfriends} house {and mine}. I'm no stranger to getting behind on housework, so I'm not bothered by this too much.

On the first {and last} sunny Seattle day we decided to BBQ and make a yummy grilled chicken Caesar salad. Because my honey did all the hard work on the grill, I thought it would be nice of me to do the dishes. {All} of the dishes.

So after dinner I get right to work in the kitchen. I'm pretty familiar with things in a kitchen. Like plates. Silverware. Cups. The usual. I feel confident in my ability to load a dishwasher. I do a little pre-washing action and then load the dishes in the dishwasher where it make sense. I know plates usually go on the bottom and cups usually go on the top. You know. That kind of stuff. I've always been pretty good at Tetris. I may not be perfect, but I get the job done.

Piece of cake!

So, I'm working away in the kitchen. Not my favorite thing to do in the world, but I'll do it for {The Boyfriend}. You know, show him I appreciate him cooking and all that.

He comes into the kitchen.  And this is what I'm imagining happening in my head. --->The two of us. Throwing soap bubbles at each other and giggling. Making out. Snapping towels. You know. All happy and sappy and flirty and stuff.

Doing the dishes is so much fun!

Instead he tells me I loaded the dishwasher wrong.

Wait. What?

He says that 'these' plates go here and 'those' plates go there. The romantic comedy soundtrack playing in my head comes to a screeching halt. So he's saying that even those 'these' plates fit here, and 'those' plates fit there, they actually should be switched around? No 'hey Elle, thank you for doing the dishes!!? Kiss kiss.' No tossing soap bubbles? No giggling? No making out on the kitchen counter?

Lame. Sauce.

This boy...

It reminds me of when my dad told me {10} years ago that I was cutting tomatoes the wrong way whilst I was making dinner for my family. I didn't realize there was a right way...And yes. I still remember that. And no, I'll never forget it.

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {Baby Girl}

Back in 2008, {The X} and I adopted the sweetest little puppy in the entire world. We'll call her {The Baby Girl}. You know how unhappily married couples sometimes try to fix their marriage by having a child? Just sayin.

As you all know {The X} and I broke up {that was so much fun}. {But} I know we both are thankful that we got {The Baby Girl} out of our relationship. Spoken like true parents who love their child - despite not being in love with each other any more. What can I say?

{The X} and I both love {The Baby Girl} so much that neither of us could stand to part with her full time. We worked out a little shared custody deal that allowed us both to continue to be a part of her life and went along our merry way.

{The Baby Girl} is Ah-dorable. She has a fantastic personality and really is the sweetest thing. But she is also judgmental. And doesn't like socializing in large groups. And she generally hates most people.

Because of this, I've never introduced {The Baby Girl} to any new 'dudes.' I realized both she and I didn't need that emotional distress, unless the 'dude' was going to be around for the long run.

After dating and then locking down {The Boyfriend}, I decided it was time for the {The Baby Girl} and him to meet. One of the first things I said to {The Boyfriend} on our very first date was that if my dog doesn't like you, then I don't like you. {Seriously, you can ask him.} I can't really have the two of them at odds. That just wouldn't work - know what I mean?

Puppies are a girls best friend.

I decided the introduction should happen on {The Baby Girls} turf. That way she was comfortable and had one less thing to think about.

{The Boyfriend} came over {looking all cute by the way} after work. I had given {The Baby Girl} a pep talk about the importance of giving people fair chances and being non-judgmental. She just glared at me and ate her dinner. When he walked in the door, she did her little barking thing {she hates when people knock}, gave him a good sniff test...and fell in love.

WTF?

I thought she would at least play hard to get. But she always has been a sucker for a man with facial hair.

To add insult to injury when we climbed into bed later that evening, she chose to curl up in his nook not mine. And then he chose to spoon her, not me. It's like they didn't even know I was there.

Is there room for a third in there?

At least it went well, right? Hopefully they let me hang out with the two of them in the future...

xoxo,
Elle

Elle and {The Boyfriends} First Birthday

So {The Boyfriend} and I had our first date at the beginning of April. I decided I didn't want to share his goodies with other girls towards the end of April. Next big date? My birthday...

What's more awkward then introducing your new BF to your friends? Introducing you new BF to your friends on your birthday week{end}. {The Boyfriend} and I are still just getting to know each other. He doesn't know yet that my birthday is a national week long holiday. I don't know how to tell him without sounding like a psycho crazy birthday celebrating bitch. How is he going to succeed if I'm not setting him up for success? How is this relationship going to succeed if he doesn't recognize the importance of my {birth}day/week?

I dropped some {subtle} hints that he should take charge of plans for my actual birthday. My instructions were simple - I just wanted to spend time with him.

Take charge, he did.

{The Boyfriend} planned a romantic evening for two at Teatro Zinzani. Complete with preferred seating, wine pairing, a kick ass show and even a slow dance for the birthday girl {me}.  We dressed all fancy and he even got into the spirit of things and sported bowler hat for the evening. A-dor-a-ble.

I gotta admit, it was one of my favorite birthdays of all time. I'm not sure how he's planning on topping it next year, but don't worry, I do have a couple of ideas.

Tropical Getaway?

And if that's expecting too much:

You can't go wrong with a gift
that comes in a little blue box.
Am I right?

What? My birthday a national holiday. And should be celebrated accordingly.

xoxo,
Elle